Shell Says No to BP: Shaken, Not Stirred... By Takeover Rumors!

The Name's Shell Not Interested

Right let's get one thing straight: Shell's playing hard to get. Word on the street was that they were eyeing up BP a rather tempting morsel in the oil game with a rumoured $80 billion price tag. But alas Shell has categorically denied any such intentions. 'No intention,' they said. Sounds rather final doesn't it? Like telling Blofeld 'I'm afraid I must disagree.' Of course denials are like martinis – sometimes they're a bit shaken before they're stirred.

BP's Predicament: A License to Be Acquired?

BP it seems has been feeling a bit like a Bond girl tied to a conveyor belt heading for a laser beam. They've been underperforming making them a prime target for a takeover. They've tried to fend off advances with a 'strategic reset,' which sounds suspiciously like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Their CEO claims they're 'off to a great start,' but even I know that's what you say when you're trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. Reminds me of the time I told Goldfinger his plan was brilliant… right before I foiled it.

Analysts' Doubts: Another Fine Mess?

The chaps at Morningstar aren't buying it. They reckon Shell buying BP wouldn't necessarily improve things unless the price is right. And by 'right,' they mean 'dirt cheap' – the kind of bargain even Q wouldn't sniff at. Apparently it might give Shell a Permian comeback. Sounds like a dance move I learned in Rio but I suspect it's something far less glamorous. The only upside is that Shell's management might be able to whip BP into shape. Sometimes the best thing for a company is to be rescued by someone who knows what they're doing like me with a damsel in distress. Only in this case the damsel is an oil giant.

Antitrust Troubles: A Villainous Monopoly?

Even if Shell were interested there are enough regulatory hurdles to make Blofeld blush. A merger could trigger antitrust concerns which is basically the government saying 'You're getting too powerful Mr. Bond.' The potential for job losses is also a sticking point. Politically sensitive they say. As if I haven't dealt with sensitive situations before. I once diffused a bomb while wearing a tuxedo and charming a countess. This should be a piece of cake.

Shell's Relief: Back to Business as Usual

Shell's investors are breathing a sigh of relief apparently. The share price even perked up a bit after the denial. Seems everyone's happier with the status quo. But let's be honest where's the fun in that? A bit of corporate intrigue keeps things interesting. Still I'm sure Shell has other schemes up their sleeve. They always do.

Wayth Weighs In: A Former Insider's View

Nick Wayth an old BP hand reckons even if a deal happened it would be 'hugely complex.' Overlapping portfolios regulatory hurdles – sounds like a logistical nightmare. Almost as bad as trying to order a dry martini in a Russian submarine. He still owns some BP stock which means he's either very optimistic or just likes to gamble. Either way I respect the man's commitment to a good stake.