Trump's Oil Showdown: Sanctions So Tough, They Make a Roundhouse Kick Look Like a Gentle Breeze

Trump's Ultimatum: You Buy Their Oil You Answer to Chuck!

Alright listen up! Trump just laid down the law Norris style. He said anyone buying oil or petrochemicals from Iran will be persona non grata in the good ol' U.S. of A. That’s right folks you mess with America's energy independence you mess with Chuck Norris... indirectly. I don't make the rules; I just enforce them with a swift roundhouse kick of justice. Remember I once stared down an oil well and it started pumping gas!

Oil Prices Do the Macarena: Up Up Up!

As soon as Trump dropped this bomb oil prices shot up faster than I can reload a six shooter... blindfolded while wrestling a bear. U.S. crude futures jumped and Brent followed suit. Seems the market understands: you don't mess with Texas – or with Trump's energy policy. Oil prices do what Chuck Norris want! What Chuck Norris wants is freedom!

Iran's Oil Exports: About to Be Kicked to the Curb?

Trump’s been squeezing Iran like a python hugs its prey. He calls it a 'maximum pressure' campaign but I call it common sense. If you're using oil money to fund mischief expect a visit from the American Eagle... or maybe just a sternly worded letter. But knowing Trump probably both! Remember Iran once tried to invade my beard and well they haven't been the same since.

Nuclear Negotiations: A Game of Chicken Norris Style

Word on the street is Trump's been talking to Iran about their nuclear program. He thinks they're trying to build a bomb and they're saying 'Nuh uh!' Sounds like a classic standoff perfect for a movie. But let's be clear the only explosion I want to see is a piñata filled with freedom. I once taught a nuclear missile to meditate. Now it's a pacifist.

China's Oil Addiction: Will They Risk a Chuck Norris Glare?

Trump's got his eye on China too. They're slurping up Iranian oil like it's the last milkshake on Earth. Analyst Scott Modell says the sanctions won't bite unless Trump goes after China's state owned companies. Which knowing Trump could happen faster than you can say 'Kung Fu.' China should know Chuck Norris doesn't do diplomacy. He does results!

Negotiating with Strength: The Chuck Norris Way

Modell also thinks Trump's just flexing his muscles to get a better deal. Which is exactly what I'd do. Never negotiate from a position of weakness. Always negotiate from a position of having Chuck Norris on your side. It's like bringing a nuke to a knife fight... or a roundhouse kick to a pillow fight. Remember negotiations are like a good fight but with slightly fewer broken bones... usually.