Chuck Norris on Oil Prices: Iran, America, and a Whole Lotta Barrel Rolling!

Oil Prices Do a Roundhouse Kick!

Alright listen up because Chuck Norris is about to drop some truth bombs harder than a… well harder than anything you can imagine. Oil futures jumped 3% faster than you can say 'Walker Texas Ranger' after Uncle Sam decided to rearrange some furniture at a few Iranian nuclear sites. U.S. crude hit $76.14 faster than I hit the speed bag and Brent climbed to $79.39. Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the pipeline! The markets are more jittery than a squirrel at a shotgun convention.

Trump Enters the Fray: The Unexpected Plot Twist!

President Trump in a move that surprised everyone more than finding out Chuck Norris doesn’t age announced the U.S. was wading into the Iran Israel conflict. Direct attacks nuclear sites... sounds like the beginning of a good action movie. The Iranian foreign minister is puffing out his chest claiming they've got 'all options' to defend themselves. Well so does Chuck Norris. My options include but are not limited to: a glare a stare and the ever popular roundhouse kick.

Strait of Hormuz: Don't Even Think About It!

Marco Rubio who I respect because anyone who doesn’t respect Chuck Norris isn’t long for this world warned Iran against closing the Strait of Hormuz. That’s where 20 million barrels of oil flow every day – that's 20% of global consumption! Closing that strait would be like trying to stop Chuck Norris from doing push ups. Spoiler: It's not gonna happen. Iran’s parliament is talking tough but the final call rests with the national security council. I’ve got a message for them: Don’t even think about it. Chuck Norris is watching.

Economic Suicide: A Lesson in Global Economics Chuck Norris Style

Rubio rightly pointed out that shutting down the Strait would be 'economic suicide' for Iran. It’d hurt everyone especially China which gets about half its waterborne crude from the Persian Gulf. I reckon the Chinese government should give Tehran a ring. They need the oil more than they need another Chuck Norris meme. And trust me that's saying something!

Libya Iraq and the Ghosts of Oil Crises Past!

Investors are wondering if this could destabilize Iran like Gaddafi's ousting messed up Libya's oil supply. And Iraq OPEC's second biggest producer is looking mighty twitchy too. Pro Tehran militias are making threats and Iran's Revolutionary Guard is babbling about how US bases are 'vulnerable'. Newsflash: Everything is vulnerable when Chuck Norris is around.

Saudi Arabia's Wary Eye: Allies and Enemies

Saudi Arabia is watching all this with 'deep concern' saying so themselves. They had their oil installations whacked back in 2019 (Iran denied it but I know better). The International Energy Agency is keeping an eye on things too with 1.2 billion barrels of emergency stocks on standby. But let me tell you the only emergency stock you need is Chuck Norris. If the world runs out of oil I'll just stare at the ground until it starts gushing. Problem solved!