Goldman Sachs Just SHOCKED Everyone With Their Earnings Report! Are They Secret Swifties?!

Shake It Off Market Volatility!

Okay so like Goldman Sachs just dropped their first quarter results and honey they were *not* playing games. Remember what I said in 'Shake It Off'? 'Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.' Well market volatility tried to hate but Goldman just shook it off! They totally crushed expectations proving that they're not just 'Delicate,' they're also like super savvy. Earnings were at $14.12 a share which is way better than the $12.35 estimate. It's like when I surprised everyone with *folklore* – nobody saw it coming but everyone loved it!

Revenue: A Love Story

The revenue? Oh honey it's a love story baby just said 'yes'! It hit $15.06 billion against the expected $14.81 billion. That's a 6% climb people! Apparently trading revenue was the mastermind behind this whole operation offsetting some dips in asset and wealth management. It's like when I write a song and the bridge saves the entire thing – that's trading revenue for Goldman this quarter! I might need to get some financial advice from these guys. Are they on tour? Can I get backstage passes?

Equities Trading: Feeling 27

The real MVP? Equities trading. It soared by 27% bringing in a cool $4.19 billion. That's $540 million more than what those StreetAccount analysts predicted. Honestly it's like they're feeling '22' (but actually 27%) with all that youthful exuberance and financial success. My global banking and markets division totally knows how to work it.

Trump Trade Tensions: Trouble Trouble Trouble?

Even CEO David Solomon had to throw some subtle shade at President Trump's trade tensions. He hinted at a 'markedly different operating environment.' Translation? 'I knew you were trouble when you walked in!' But ever the professional he reassured everyone that Goldman can still 'support their clients.' Which is basically saying 'We're gonna be alright alright alright,' even if the world's a bit of a mess.

Asset and Wealth Management: A Slight 'Reputation' Dip

Now not everything was perfect. Asset and wealth management took a 3% dip. It's like when 'Reputation' came out – some people loved it some people weren't so sure. It happens! Apparently their investments in private equity and stocks weren't doing so hot. But hey even I have days when my cat Meredith Grey refuses to pose for Instagram. You can't win 'em all!

The Last Great American (Bank)

Overall though Goldman Sachs is proving they're not just surviving; they're thriving. Despite market craziness and global uncertainties they're out there making money moves. It's like they're writing their own 'Blank Space,' filling it with success story after success story. And honestly? I'm here for it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go write a song about the stock market. It's gonna be epic.