Air Traffic Control Loses to Darkness: A Chuck Norris Commentary

Darkness Descends Planes Tremble

Let me tell you something about darkness. Darkness fears Chuck Norris. But apparently it doesn't fear Newark Airport. This recent 90 second outage at 3:55 a.m. ET? That's not just a glitch; that's darkness trying to prove a point. But here's the deal: When Chuck Norris's plane loses contact the plane finds *him*. And that plane will be flying right on schedule!

Aging Tech: Older Than My Stunt Double

The FAA says this happened hours after some plan to overhaul the 'aging technology.' Aging? Some of that equipment is older than my stunt double! It's so old it probably remembers when a roundhouse kick only caused a mild inconvenience. They need to replace those computers with abacuses at least they will have beads to count on when the system fails.

Controllers Under Pressure: Stress? Try a Spin Kick!

I hear some controllers took leave because of stress. Stress? Back in my day stress was just a warm up! But I get it. Guiding planes with tech held together by duct tape and prayers can be taxing. Solution? Less stress more spin kicks. A few well placed kicks usually clear up any mental blockage.

The Funding Crisis: Where's the Money?

Airlines and labor groups want billions. Billions! That's less than the amount I donate to charity every time I find a fiver in my old jeans but still I understand. Maybe Congress should just reroute the money they're wasting on other nonsense and buy these folks some decent equipment. Or you know let me handle it. I could upgrade the entire system with spare parts from my garage...and a stern look.

Chuck Norris's Air Traffic Control Plan: Guaranteed Turbulence for Problems

Here's my plan. Every airport gets a Chuck Norris approved control system. No glitches no outages just pure unadulterated plane guiding power. And if a plane deviates from its path? Let's just say it'll quickly find the straight and narrow. Think of it as airborne martial arts. The planes do what I tell them when I tell them not when they feel like it. And I always know where they are!

Fear the Skies Respect the Landing

So next time you're flying into Newark remember this: I might not be in the control tower but my spirit is watching. And if that radar goes out again? Well let's just say the pilots will be relying on a higher power...or at least someone who can kick a plane back on course. And I hear that someone is always watching!