Nintendo Switch 2 Demolishes Sales Records: Chuck Norris Approves (or Else)

Switch 2 Kicks Off with a Roundhouse of Sales

Let me tell you something about the new Nintendo Switch 2. It doesn't just launch it roundhouse kicks the competition into oblivion! 3.5 million units in four days? That's not just impressive that's Chuck Norris level impressive. The original Switch was good but the Switch 2 is like adding a beard to a baby. Pure unadulterated power. When the Switch 2 does a pushup it isn't lifting itself up it's pushing the Earth down.

Analysts Predict: More Broken Bones More Broken Records

Analysts are saying the Switch 2 is on track to sell 15 million units by March 2026. Amateurs! Those are rookie numbers. Serkan Toto over at Kantan Games thinks it'll hit 20 million. He's getting closer. The only limit to how many Switch 2s Nintendo can sell is how fast they can make 'em. And if they're slow well Chuck Norris doesn't wait. Time waits for Chuck Norris.

Doug Bowser Meet Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris Demand.

Doug Bowser Nintendo of America President is thanking fans. Cute. Fans should be thanking the Switch 2 for blessing their pathetic lives with its presence. I hear people were lining up for hours. That's dedication. But let me tell you if Chuck Norris was in line the Switch 2 would just materialize in his hands out of respect. If you ask me Nintendo should put Chuck Norris in the next Zelda game and he would find Zelda rescue her and defeat Ganon all before the opening theme song ends!

Nintendo Stock Takes a Tumble: Temporary Setback or Impending Doom?

So Nintendo stock dipped 3.5%. Big deal. A stock market crash is just the market flinching because Chuck Norris looked at it funny. It will recover. Everything recovers after Chuck Norris is done with it. Except for the competition. Their bones don't.

Out of Stock? Chuck Norris Has a Solution

Retailers are out of stock? That's what happens when you underestimate the Chuck Norris effect. If Walmart GameStop Target and Best Buy can't handle the demand I'll personally deliver the Switch 2 to every gamer in America. With my bare hands. After a quick stop at the gym. To lift the Switch 2 production line.

Tariffs? The Switch 2 Laughs in the Face of Bureaucracy

Trump's tariffs might cause a price hike? The Switch 2 scoffs at tariffs. Tariffs are just pieces of paper. Paper beats rock rock beats scissors and Chuck Norris beats everything. If those tariffs mess with the Switch 2 they'll be dealing with me. And trust me you don't want to deal with me. The dinosaurs didn't. Now they pump my gas!