Eric Cartman - NewsRetold Latest News

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Showing 1 to 10 of 89 news articles

Cartman reports on CrowdStrike's disappointing revenue guidance and stock slump, revealing his genius plan to profit from their misery. Respect my authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Shorting CrowdStrike!

Wed 04 June, 2025 15:22
2 minutes to read

Those frickin' Germans are sticking it to Amazon for messing with prices, and I, Eric Cartman, fully support it! Respect my Authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Suing Amazon! (And Germany's Helping!)

Mon 02 June, 2025 15:11
2 minutes to read

German regulators are accusing Amazon of screwing over third-party sellers, and frankly, Cartman thinks it's about time someone stood up to those dirty hippies! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Suing Amazon! Cartman's Crusade Against Bezos Begins!

Mon 02 June, 2025 15:11
3 minutes to read

Even with tariffs trying to ruin my life, Costco's still raking in the cash and keeping prices low enough for me to buy all the cheesy poofs I want! image

Costco's Got More Bling Than My Gold Chains, Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Everything!

Thu 29 May, 2025 23:11
2 minutes to read

That's right, I, Eric Cartman, am reporting on Jeep's new Cherokee because even I need a sweet ride to haul my Cheesy Poofs...and maybe save Jeep from being totally lame. image

Screw You Guys, I'm Getting a Jeep Cherokee (Maybe, If It's Not Lame)

Thu 29 May, 2025 16:21
2 minutes to read

Eric Cartman reports on the looming trade war between the US and China, where Trump wants high-tech stuff and China's all like, 'Respect my authoritah!' image

Screw You Guys, I'm Building a Trade War! Cartman's Take on Trump vs. China

Thu 29 May, 2025 00:09
3 minutes to read

Vice President JD Vance kisses Trump's butt by promoting stablecoin legislation at Bitcoin 2025, while dissing on Gensler and gloating about crypto profits. Respect my Authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Rich with Crypto! Vance Shills Stablecoins at Bitcoin Conference

Wed 28 May, 2025 18:18
2 minutes to read

Stellantis, those car-making dorks, finally got a new CEO. Maybe now they'll stop making cars that smell like hippies and patchouli. image

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying a Car Company! (Or At Least Reporting On It)

Wed 28 May, 2025 06:59
2 minutes to read

Nippon Steel might actually buy U.S. Steel now, and even though Biden's being a Butters about it, Trump's saying it's cool...ish. As long as America gets to keep some control, which is how it should be, duh! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying U.S. Steel (Kinda, Sorta, Thanks Trump!)

Tue 27 May, 2025 14:26
2 minutes to read

Daniel Lubetzky, the Kind Bar kingpin, is branching out his family office into longevity and other stuff, leaving all you poor people in the dust. Waa waa waa! image

Respect My Authoritah! Kind Bar Billionaire Diversifies His Stash, Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home!

Mon 26 May, 2025 12:00
2 minutes to read