Harvard Under Fire Cartman's Take on the Affirmative Action Admissions Data Debacle

Screw You Guys I'm Suing Harvard

Alright listen up you guys. Eric Cartman here and I'm reporting live from my mom's basement on the biggest load of PC crap I've ever seen. So apparently the government is all over Harvard because they think Harvard is hiding something about their admissions. Something about race and stuff. And you know what I say? Good. Because affirmative action is bunk. It's like giving Wendy Testaburger a head start in the school elections just because she's a girl. That's not fair. That's not right. Respect my authority.

Blame Canada and Their Holistic Admissions

This whole mess started because the Supreme Court finally realized that race based admissions are totally unfair to some people especially if you read India's AI Ambitions Can They Avoid the Shark Infested Waters and now the Justice Department is breathing down Harvard's neck. They wanna see the receipts. They wanna know if Harvard is still being all PC Principal about who gets in. And Harvard is all like "Oh we're cooperating." But really they're probably just trying to figure out how to hide the fact that they've been letting in minorities who aren't as good as ME. Because let's be real I'm the best. I deserve to go to Harvard. They should rename it 'Cartman University'. Butters will do the sweeping there for me.

Scapegoating the Super Rich is Not Funny

So some fancy college expert Jamie Beaton says that Harvard is getting scapegoated because they're rich. He means they have a ton of money. Like Scrooge McDuck levels of money. And Harvard is all like "We're just trying to set a good example for other schools." Yeah right. They're probably just scared that if they admit they were wrong about affirmative action everyone will realize how dumb they are. Which let's face it they are pretty dumb. Not as dumb as Butters though.

Harvard's Defense I'm Not Listening

Harvard claims they're doing everything by the book now and that they don't even look at race until after everyone is admitted. But Christopher Rim another expert says this whole thing has exposed the 'holistic admissions' process for what it is: rigged! Apparently Asian Americans have been getting the shaft for years. But don't worry. It's not like this will stop people from wanting to go to Harvard. Everyone still wants that fancy degree even if it means selling their souls to the PC devil. God damn it.

The Acceptance Rate is Lower Than My Tolerance for Kyle

The competition to get into these fancy schools is insane. Harvard's acceptance rate is like less than 4%. That's lower than my tolerance for Kyle's whining. And these experts are saying that this whole lawsuit isn't going to change anything. So if you want to get into Harvard you better be a super genius. Or you know have a rich mom who can bribe the admissions committee. Which is what I'm planning on doing. Suck it you guys I'm going to Harvard.

Academics Are Now More Important Than Ever Crap

So the takeaway here is that academics are more important than ever. You actually have to be really smart that sucks. Which means I might actually have to try in school for once. No more getting Kenny to do my homework. No more blaming everything on Kyle. I guess I'll just have to be the best Cartman I can be. Which let's be honest is still better than everyone else. Now if you excuse me I have to go bribe my teacher. Respect my authoritah.