Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich Equinox's $40K Gym Has Waiting List

Respect My Authoritah Rich Dudes Flock to Equinox

Listen up you guys. I Eric Cartman am reporting on this Equinox thing and let me tell you it's all about rich people being total tools. They're paying $40,000 a year for a gym membership and there's even a waiting list. Seriously? I could buy like a lifetime supply of Cheesy Poofs with that kind of money. But no they want "personal training" and "sleep coaching." What a bunch of Butters.

Health is the New Bling For the Overprivilaged

Apparently health is the new luxury. That's what this Harvey Spevak guy says. He's the executive chairman of Equinox which basically means he's the head honcho of ripping off rich people. He says everyone wants to live a "high performance lifestyle." Well I want a high performance bank account and I'm not paying $40,000 for it. These rich people could learn a thing or two from me. I bet you they would even find Burger King's Remodeling Retreat Investors Fret Over Fast Food Future pretty usefull.

Ten Trillion Dollars Dude Seriously

The global wellness market is gonna be worth like ten trillion dollars by 2030. That's more money than I'll ever steal from Kyle. And these rich people are driving the whole thing. They're aging and they're desperate to stay young forever. So they're throwing money at anything that promises a "miracle cure." It's genius I tell you genius. I need to get in on this action.

Equinox Hotel? Screw You I'm Sleeping at Home

Equinox isn't just a gym anymore oh no. They've got hotels personalized programs and even IV centers. An IV center. Can you believe that? Rich people are getting IV drips like they're chugging milkshakes. They even opened a hotel in Saudi Arabia. I bet they don't even have good Cheesy Poofs there.

Function Health My Ass

This "Optimize" program uses Function Health to give people tests for 100 biomarkers twice a year. Biomarkers? What are those some kind of alien goo? And then they use those tests to make a personalized fitness program. I bet it involves a lot of kale smoothies and yoga. I'd rather eat dirt.

I'm Going to Be Rich and You're All Going to Respect My Authoritah

So yeah Equinox is making a ton of money. And other companies want to partner with them. Because everyone wants a piece of the rich people pie. But I Eric Cartman am going to be even richer. I'm going to start my own wellness program and it's going to be way better than Equinox. It'll involve lots of Cheesy Poofs maybe some Butters abuse and definitely no kale. You guys will all see. Respect my authoritah.