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Ripley reports on the latest market madness: from Meta's 'social' grip to Musk's potential eject, it's a bumpy ride. Prepare for impact! image

Another Day, Another Apocalypse (in the Stock Market): Ripley's Top 10 Survival Tips

Thu 01 May, 2025 13:02
2 minutes to read

Microsoft's recent earnings call glossed over Trump's tariffs, hinting at software's potential to navigate economic storms – unlike trying to reason with a chestburster. image

Trump's Tariffs? Microsoft Just Shrugged It Off (Like I Shrug Off Xenomorphs)

Thu 01 May, 2025 03:35
3 minutes to read

Ford's CEO Jim Farley seeks more tariff relief from Trump-era policies, hinting at potential growth if competitors mirrored Ford's U.S. manufacturing efforts. This is Ripley, signing in, and I say, 'Let's see what kind of mess we're dealing with now. image

Ford CEO's Tariff SOS: Can We Nuke These Trade Policies From Orbit?

Wed 30 April, 2025 17:25
3 minutes to read

Ripley reports on Apple's earnings call, where CEO Tim Cook faces tough questions about tariffs, supply chains, and navigating the Trump-Xi Jinping dynamic. Will Apple raise prices or eat the costs? Game over, man? image

Apple Bites the Bullet: Tariffs, Trade Wars, and Tim Cook's Tightrope Walk!

Wed 30 April, 2025 12:00
3 minutes to read

Despite macro jitters and fierce competition, Samsung's Q1 earnings surprise, fueled by smartphones and memory chips. But SK Hynix is nipping at their heels, especially in AI memory! image

Another Day, Another Galaxy: Samsung's Profits Rise Like a Chestburster!

Wed 30 April, 2025 02:25
3 minutes to read

Amazon clarifies its position on displaying import charges on its ultra-discount Haul platform, following a report that ignited a White House frenzy and a call from Trump to Bezos, leaving everyone wondering if they've just walked into a nest. image

Amazon Backpedals on Import Fee Display: "No Hostile Intent, Just a Bug Hunt!"

Tue 29 April, 2025 17:42
3 minutes to read

Ripley reports on the shocking rise in homeowners insurance rates, blaming everything from climate change to greedy insurance companies, and offering some survival tips for homeowners facing financial Xenomorphs. image

Another Fine Mess: Home Insurance Rates Exploding Faster Than a Chestburster!

Mon 28 April, 2025 18:35
3 minutes to read

Donald Trump Jr. co-founds 'Executive Branch,' a pricey private club in D.C., drawing administration officials and wealthy elites while sparking ethical concerns, much like the old days at the Trump Hotel. Looks like somebody didn't learn their lesson, or maybe that's the point? image

Another Bug Hunt? Trump Jr.'s $500K D.C. Club Has a Waiting List Already!

Mon 28 April, 2025 20:46
3 minutes to read

Ellen Ripley's take on the latest analyst calls: upgrades, downgrades, and enough market jargon to make a Xenomorph's head explode. image

Wall Street's Wild Ride: Ripley's Report on Stocks That'll Make You Scream (or Rich)

Mon 28 April, 2025 13:23
3 minutes to read

China's industrial profits are showing signs of growth, but a looming trade war with the U.S. threatens to send things south faster than you can say 'Game over, man!' image

China's Economy: Is This a Profit Growth or Another Bug Hunt?

Sun 27 April, 2025 08:24
3 minutes to read