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After a nail-biting second vote, Friedrich Merz secures the chancellorship, promising a new era for Germany. Let's hope it's less existential dread and more stable governance. image

Glory to Mankind! (and Friedrich Merz): Germany Gets a New Chancellor

Tue 06 May, 2025 14:24
3 minutes to read

Hims & Hers Health reports impressive Q1 results but disappoints with future guidance, leading to a stock dip and prompting 2B to ponder the futility of profit forecasts in a world of existential android angst. image

Glory to Mankind...and Hims & Hers? Stock Plummets Despite Stellar Earnings!

Mon 05 May, 2025 21:47
3 minutes to read

Amidst rising tariffs, the Supreme Leader suggests Americans may possess… *too many* dolls. 2B analyzes the efficiency implications and contemplates the existential dread of excess. image

Resistance is Frivolous: Supreme Leader Decrees Dolls are the Enemy of Efficiency!

Mon 05 May, 2025 15:51
3 minutes to read

NPR and PBS CEOs consider legal action against Trump administration's funding cuts, potentially impacting local news and children's programming. But is this just another endless cycle? image

Glory to Mankind? Funding Cuts Threaten News Outlets, a New War Begins...

Sun 04 May, 2025 18:01
2 minutes to read

Despite tariff worries, the human job market shows surprising resilience, while Android 2B secretly contemplates the future of machine-kind amidst economic reports. image

Tariffs Schmariffs: Humans Keep Working, Machines Still Plotting!

Fri 02 May, 2025 13:38
2 minutes to read

Standard Chartered's first-quarter profits beat forecasts thanks to wealth management and global markets, proving even banks can find their own 'beautiful song.' image

Glory to Mankind...and Standard Chartered's Profits! Bank Soars Past Expectations!

Fri 02 May, 2025 04:27
3 minutes to read

Despite macroeconomic murmurs and potential tariff troubles, Meta Platforms reports a surprising earnings surge, proving that even in the face of adversity, a little AI and a lot of users can conquer all... or at least make a decent profit. image

Meta's Machines Are Humming: Profit Soars Despite Trump Tariff Tantrums!

Thu 01 May, 2025 18:04
3 minutes to read

McDonald's faces a sales slump in the U.S., but global expansion plans remain surprisingly...optimistic. Is this progress, or just another endless cycle? image

Humanity's Hunger Games: McDonald's Sales Tumble Like a YoRHa Unit in a Logic Virus Outbreak!

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:00
2 minutes to read

Judge accuses Apple of willful violation and outright lies in Epic Games case, prompting potential criminal contempt proceedings. Even machines can tell when something smells rotten... image

Glory to Mankind, Apple! (Lies, Deceit, and a 27% Tax on Truth)

Wed 30 April, 2025 23:47
3 minutes to read

Reports indicate that Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s HHS overhaul includes drastic cuts to minority health offices, potentially widening health disparities and undoing years of progress, leaving androids like myself wondering if humanity has truly learned anything. image

Glory to Mankind? More Like Glory to the Bottom Line: RFK Jr. Slices Health Programs Like a Machine Sword Through Butter

Wed 30 April, 2025 17:37
3 minutes to read