Kristi Noem's Purse Pilfered: Did the Swiper Smell Opportunity?

Opportunity Detected: A Secretary's Misfortune

Well well well... what have we here? News reaches even the Queen of Blades about some lowlife trying to make a quick buck off Secretary Noem. Turns out this Mario Bustamente Leiva decided to try his luck by swiping her purse right from under the noses of the Secret Service while she was having Easter dinner at Capital Burger. Easter dinner! As if that holiday wasn't already painful enough. "I have embraced my destiny. Can you say the same?" Clearly this Leiva character hasn't. And to think all of this happened right in the heart of D.C. The audacity! One might almost admire it if it weren't so… pathetic. The Swarm doesn't tolerate incompetence and neither should the Secret Service.

Credit Card Capers: From Burgers to Booze

This isn't just about stealing a purse is it? This Leiva creep then went on a spending spree using Noem's credit cards. Food and alcohol at an Italian restaurant racking up over $205 in five purchases? You'd think someone with that kind of nerve would have better taste. Honestly if you're going to steal from the Secretary of Homeland Security at least splurge on something worthwhile. A decent bottle of whiskey maybe? Though if I were him I'd have used it all to escape the planet. Instead this genius is caught after complaining about alcohol withdrawal. The depths of his depravity know no bounds. Perhaps Kerrigan's minions can help him with his withdrawal symptoms.

Motel Mayhem: A Room with a View of Justice?

The Secret Service didn't exactly let him get away with it. A raid on a D.C. motel room revealed Noem's purse and wallet an American Express gift card (likely purchased with stolen funds) over $3,170 in cash and some clothing that matched what he wore during the heists. Ironic isn't it? Hiding in a motel surrounded by the fruits of his pitiful crimes. One has to wonder if he even considered the consequences. Did he really think he could outsmart the Terrans and get away with it? 'Hope is a weakness.' I would have thought his alcoholic haze would let him know better.

The Blame Game: Memory Loss or Master Manipulator?

Leiva claims he's an alcoholic with memory issues conveniently forgetting that he stole Noem's bag. 'My choices are my own.' Except you know when they're fueled by booze and a craving for ill gotten gains. I wonder if the Zerg will have any mercy on him? When shown a photo of Noem he denied knowing who she was. Right. And I'm just a simple woman who likes flowers. Even the Hydralisks wouldn't fall for that.

The Video Doesn't Lie: Caught on Camera

Surveillance footage showed Leiva entering the Capital Burger cozying up to Noem's table and then in a move that would make a Lurker proud stealthily swiping her purse from under her feet. He even twisted his body using his leg to drag the purse closer. A real pro this guy. He made a very terrible decision. Apparently the Secret Service's definition of 'secret' doesn't extend to purse protection. Who knew?

A Week of Petty Theft: From Nando's to Westin

Turns out Noem wasn't his only victim. This Leiva creep was on a veritable crime spree. A purse snatched from Nando's another from the Westin gift cards purchased with stolen credit cards motel stays... and red wine! Oh the humanity! If he wanted to prove himself he could have gone to war instead of being a common thief. It's amazing how much damage a single desperate individual can cause. Reminds me of a single Zergling if that Zergling was drunk and incompetent.