Are These Recession-Proof Stocks Your Ticket to Financial Salvation!?

The Market: A Serpent in the Garden?

Alright buckos let's get one thing straight: the market is a bloody *dragon*. One minute it's showering you with gold the next it's breathing fire down your neck. This week alone we've seen more ups and downs than a politician's moral compass. Jefferies bless their souls suggests that all this trade war hullabaloo might actually *mean* something. Shocker I know. Apparently tariffs and economic uncertainty aren't exactly conducive to a good night's sleep for investors. So what's a responsible lobster to do?

Clean Your Room and Then Buy Netflix

Jefferies in their infinite wisdom has pointed towards a few potential arks for this coming flood. First up Netflix. Yes the very platform that keeps your kids from doing their bloody homework. Apparently even if the economy goes to hell in a handbasket people will still cough up a few bucks to binge watch some drivel. Their reasoning? It's a 'small portion of consumer budgets'. Well I'll be! Maybe there's hope for humanity after all. Less doom more room to bloom I always say while secretly mainlining true crime documentaries.

The Golden Arches: A Fortress Against the Apocalypse?

Next on the list we have McDonald's. Ah yes the purveyor of fine cuisine and playground diplomacy. Jefferies sees the Golden Arches as a 'top defensive pick' because apparently people will still crave cheap convenient garbage even when their portfolios are turning into mulch. And let's be honest who *doesn't* love a good McRib? Even if the world is ending that sweet succulent vaguely meat like substance will still bring a tear to your eye. Plus I heard they're now taking bitcoin. How dystopian is that?

CME Group: Profiting from the Chaos

CME Group also gets a nod. These are the guys who run options exchanges. In simpler terms: these are the people betting on the price of wheat and oil and gold and the rest. Jefferies believes that in a 'high tariff world,' CME will benefit from 'increased demand for hedging'. Translation? When the world is a bloody mess people will pay them to protect their assets and speculators will crawl out of the woodwork to gamble! It's like the ultimate insurance policy for economic mayhem isn't it?

More Stocks: Is There a Doctor in the House?

We also have Quest Diagnostics and Wheaton Precious Metals. If those names don't sound like they were pulled from the deep corners of a stockbroker's dungeon I don't know what does. So if you are interested do your research. Don't just follow what I say or what these other fellas say. Dig into the bloody details. You are going to thank yourself later.

CNBC Pro LIVE: An Exclusive Invitation

And finally for those of you who like to spend even *more* time fretting about the economy CNBC is hosting a 'Pro LIVE' event at the New York Stock Exchange. Apparently for the low low price of your sanity (and a subscription) you can hobnob with 'experts' and other 'Pro subscribers'. Who knows maybe you'll even learn how to short the market while simultaneously blaming postmodern neo Marxists. Now that's what I call a value proposition!