Is Tesla's Full Self-Driving a Total Mirage or Just a Bad Date?!

A Decade of Disappointment? More Like a Bad First Date!

Darling remember when we were promised flying cars? Well Elon Musk promised us robotaxis practically a decade ago! A decade! That's like ten seasons of 'The Bachelor.' And what do we have? A 'supervised' driving system. Supervised! As if my car needs my permission to parallel park. It's like being told you're getting a diamond necklace and receiving a cubic zirconia. Still sparkly but definitely not the real deal. And now in China they're calling it 'intelligent assisted driving.' Assisted! Suddenly my toaster oven has more autonomy.

Hands On? More Like Hands Tied!

So Tesla's Full Self Driving (Supervised) – let's just call it FSD shall we? – is supposed to navigate our crazy city streets. And according to the manual it's a 'hands on feature.' Hands on! Like I don't have enough to do! I'm supposed to keep my 'hands on the steering wheel at all times be mindful of road conditions and surrounding traffic.' Excuse me but if I'm doing all that what exactly is FSD doing? Playing Candy Crush? It reminds me of when Big told me he was 'ready' for a relationship. Turns out 'ready' meant he still needed a lot of ahem *guidance*.

Tragedy on Wheels: A Fashion Faux Pas for Public Safety?

Now here's where things get less Manolos and more malpractice. Reports of accidents some even fatal involving Tesla's Autopilot and FSD have surfaced. A professional test driver Guy Mangiamele said FSD does a lot of things "amazingly well," but "the times that it trips up you could kill somebody or you could hurt yourself." Kill someone?! That's a wardrobe malfunction of epic proportions! Suddenly my stilettos seem a lot less dangerous. It's like wearing a fabulous dress that could at any moment spontaneously combust.

Musk's Political Makeover: From Tech Titan to Trump Supporter?!

And then there's Elon darling. The man who wants to colonize Mars is also slashing government jobs? Apparently he's leading the Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE. DOGE! It sounds like a meme gone rogue. Layoffs and political endorsements of far right parties? It's a scandal worthy of a soap opera and my cosmopolitan is not strong enough for this! I mean isn't he supposed to be saving the planet not dismantling democracy? It's like finding out Mr. Big secretly prefers Crocs.

The Tesla Exodus: A Breakup We Didn't See Coming?

The backlash is real honey. Protests boycotts and even vandalism! Tesla's stock is plummeting faster than my chances of finding a decent apartment on the Upper East Side. People are trading in their Teslas. Trading them in! It's like dumping your Birkin bag because it's suddenly become uncool. Ouch. Product unveilings and a "robotaxi launch" are expected. Let's hope it will revitalize investors. Right now it seems like Tesla needs a serious image makeover and maybe a new stylist.

Robotaxi Ready? More Like Ready for Rehab!

So will Tesla's FSD be ready for robotaxi duty by June? Experts are skeptical. One expert says there's been "no evidence" that FSD is "anywhere close to being ready to be used in an unsupervised form." Unsupervised! That's like letting Samantha run a convent. It's a recipe for disaster. Tesla FSD will "often work really well particularly in daytime conditions" but then "randomly in a scenario where it did fine previously it will fail." That's unpredictable and dangerous! So is Tesla's FSD a revolution or a really expensive distraction? Only time and maybe a few more cosmos will tell.