Economic Nuclear Winter! Is Trump About to Ruin Our Shoe Budget?

Trump's Trade War: Is This the End of Retail Therapy as We Know It?

So I'm reading this article right? And suddenly I'm not thinking about Mr. Big anymore I'm thinking about Mr. BIGGER problem: the economy! Apparently Bill Ackman – and I quote – says we're heading for an 'economic nuclear winter' because of Trump's tariff policy. A nuclear winter! As in 'I can't help but wonder…' will my credit card survive? I mean is this the end of cosmos and couture?

Tariffs and Tantrums: Is the White House the New Bergdorf's?

Trump's slapped these massive tariffs on everyone from our friends to our 'frenemies' (and honey everyone's a frenemy in New York!). China's not happy Wall Street's in a panic and J.P. Morgan's saying we've got a 60% chance of a recession! Sixty percent! That's like saying there's a 60% chance you'll run into your ex at a Hamptons party. Unavoidable darling simply unavoidable. I feel personally attacked.

Confidence Crisis: When Losing Faith Means Losing Jimmy Choos

Ackman says Trump's losing the confidence of business leaders and honestly I get it. Business is a confidence game just like dating in Manhattan. You gotta strut your stuff sell your best assets and pray no one finds out you're secretly terrified. But when even the big dogs are scared well it's time to trade in those Manolos for sensible shoes. Kidding! (Mostly.)

Low Income Consumers: AKA the Rest of Us After Buying Designer Handbags?

Apparently this economic mess is going to hit low income consumers the hardest. Which let's be honest is basically all of us after we've paid rent and bought a Birkin. Ackman claims "This is not what we voted for," and I have to wonder is it what we're going to wear? Will this recession cramp my style?

Secretary of Commerce: Is He Longing for a Short Sale?

And then there's this Howard Lutnick guy the Secretary of Commerce. Ackman's throwing shade saying he profits when the economy tanks. Oh honey a conflict of interest! It's like dating a therapist; eventually you know you're going to end up on the couch... probably broke.

Hunkering Down: Does This Mean Giving Up Brunch?

So what's the solution? Ackman says Trump needs to call a timeout or we're heading for an 'economic nuclear winter.' A timeout? Is that like relationship counseling for the economy? And 'hunkering down'? Does that mean giving up brunch? Because if it does I'm moving to Paris. I couldn't help but wonder 'Is this the end of the world or just the end of my shoe collection?'