Wall Street's Wildest Bets: Axe's Take on Today's Hottest Stock Tips

Cisco: Long Runway for Growth? More Like a Long Walk Off a Short Pier

KeyBanc's calling Cisco 'overweight' with a 'long runway for growth.' Sounds like they're trying to offload some shares doesn't it? Healthy order growth is great sure but in this game you're either eating or being eaten. And Cisco? They've been nibbling for far too long. Subscription model? Please. Everyone's doing subscriptions. 'Relatively attractively valued?' Translation: They're hoping someone else will overpay. Remember what I always say: 'What's the point of having fuck you money if you can't say fuck you?' I'm saying it to this valuation.

Apple's AI Play: Defensive or Desperate?

UBS thinks Apple buying Perplexity AI is a risk. Risk? It's an admission of defeat. Their AI efforts are 'underwhelming'? That's putting it mildly. It's like watching Wags try to understand quantum physics. A 'defensive' move? No it's a goddamn white flag. Tim Cook should stick to making overpriced phones and leave the AI to the big boys. 'You know what separates us from the animals? We can learn to control our impulses.' Clearly Apple hasn't learned that lesson yet. They're impulsively buying their way out of a problem and that never ends well.

Tesla's Robotaxi: Setting the Stage for... Disaster?

Benchmark's tripping over themselves about Tesla's robotaxi launch. 'Sets the stage for growth,' they say bumping their price target to $475. Right. Because what could possibly go wrong with self driving cars in Austin? Picture it: driverless Teslas causing more chaos than a Wags fueled poker night. Sure it might be the future but I'm not betting my billions on it just yet. Remember 'Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.' And I don't see any easy money here. Just a lot of potential for a very public very expensive pile up.

General Mills: Packaged Food's Last Stand?

RBC's upgrading General Mills to 'outperform.' Seriously? Packaged food? In this day and age? It's like investing in Blockbuster. 'Investor sentiment remains poor?' No shit Sherlock. 'Fundamentals have yet to fully turn?' That's because they're turning to dust! But they see "cushion"? Yeah maybe enough cushion to soften the blow when the stock tanks. 'A person allows himself to be defined by the things he cannot do.' General Mills you're defining yourselves alright.

Amazon's 'Azure Moment': More Like a Fleeting Cloud

Rothschild & Co. Redburn is gushing about Amazon's 'resilient' AWS offering and predicting an 'Azure moment.' Please. Everyone's trying to replicate Microsoft's success. AWS growth is 'comfortably exceed[ing] lowered expectations'? That's like saying Wags is 'relatively' sober after a business lunch. Until I see concrete numbers and a real disruption I'm not buying the hype. 'I like owning things.' And I sure as hell ain't owning anything based on 'resilient' promises.

Micron's HBM: Finally Getting Something Right?

UBS is all hot and bothered over Micron's HBM revenue. Good for them. Finally they delivered on something. But let's not throw a parade just yet. In this game you're only as good as your last trade. 'The less power you have the more of a show you have to make of it.' Micron might be making a show but I'll wait to see if they can actually back it up before I throw any serious capital their way.