Temu's Super Bowl Dreams Derailed! Did Trump's Tariffs Bankrupt the Billionaire Shopper?

Shop Like a Pauper? Not Anymore!

Alright folks Axelrod here. Remember Temu? The 'shop like a billionaire' clowns who splurged on a Super Bowl ad? Well looks like their billionaire dreams just got a whole lot smaller thanks to The Donald's trade war. Apparently tariffs are kryptonite to 50 cent eyebrow trimmers and $5 t shirts. Who knew? As Chuck Rhoades would say 'Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.' Looks like Trump just smashed a whole carton on Temu's head.

From Top of the App Store to Bottom of the Barrel

Two years at the top of Apple's App Store? Impressive. Now they're down in the dumps like a busted hedge fund. Downloads are down 62%! That's worse than Mafee's batting average at the company softball game. Their ads have vanished faster than my patience with Wendy's 'limited time' offers. You know what I always say: 'What's the point of having fuck you money if you can't say fuck you?' Well looks like Temu can't afford to say it anymore.

Trump's Tariff Tantrum

145% tariff? That's highway robbery! Even I wouldn't charge that much. And ditching the de minimis provision? That's just kicking a company when it's down. Reminds me of that time I shorted a rival's company right before their big product launch. Ah good times. Temu and Shein are whining about raising prices. Cry me a river. This is business. Adapt or die. As Sun Tzu said 'The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.' But sometimes a good tariff is all you need.

Amazon Steps In (Surprise!)

Of course Bezos and his merry band of price gougers are ready to swoop in. Amazon Haul eh? Items under $20 mostly from China? Sounds like they're just trying to pick up Temu's scraps. But hey at least they're consistent. As I always say 'Loyalty is a one way street.' Just ask my ex wife. Don't worry though I made sure she signed an NDA.

Meta's Ad Revenue Takes a Hit!

Ouch! More than $7 billion of Meta's ad revenue from China? Zuck must be sweating like a guilty politician. Looks like Temu was propping up his whole empire. Now they're running six ads? That's like throwing a penny into the Grand Canyon and expecting it to fill up. Makes me wonder if shorting Meta is a good move. Hmm... interesting. As I told Wags once 'Money equals power.' And right now Temu's got a power outage.

Temu's Going Global

So they're shifting their focus to Europe and the UK? Good luck with that. Those markets are even more cutthroat than Wall Street. But hey maybe they'll find some suckers who are willing to pay full price for their garbage. Meanwhile back in the USA I'll be watching from my penthouse sipping single malt scotch and plotting my next move. As they say 'The best revenge is massive success.' And I plan on having a whole lot of it.