Tariffgeddon Is Here! Are You Ready to Lose Everything?

Whose Tariff Is It Anyway?

Alright listen up you pajama wearing day traders. The world's gone sideways and it's all thanks to this pissing contest over tariffs. Trump slaps China China slaps back harder. It's like watching two guys fight over a parking spot in Manhattan – everyone loses. And these aren’t just numbers on a screen people. This is about your bottom line about whether you can still afford that goddamn avocado toast.

SP500? More Like SP50 Oh No!

The S&P 500's taking a nosedive bond yields are soaring and the Nasdaq's already hibernating in a bear market. The threshold S & P 500 close for a bear market is 4,915.32? That's not a threshold that's a cliff! And remember what I always say: 'What's the point of having fuck you money if you can't say fuck you?' Well right now the market's saying fuck you to all of us.

Walmart's Whimper

Even Walmart the retail behemoth is starting to sweat. They're pulling their operating income outlook faster than I can drain a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle. Uncertainty they say? Uncertainty is just a fancy word for 'we're screwed.' But hey at least they're still expecting 3% to 4% sales growth. Maybe everyone's just panic buying toilet paper. Again.

Delta's Distress Call

Delta Air Lines is hitting the brakes on expansion. They're blaming the trade war for crushing business and consumer confidence. It's like they've never heard of private jets. When the plebs stop flying I buy more Gulfstream stock. Remember boys and girls 'A person's value is what they are willing to settle for.'

Hotel Hell and Ford's Fiasco

Jefferies is slashing price targets on hotel chains like Marriott Hilton and Hyatt. Apparently the great travel bull market is winding down. Maybe people are finally realizing that overpriced mini bars and continental breakfasts aren't worth the hassle. And Ford? Bernstein says it's an underperform sell with a price target of $7. Seven bucks? You can't even buy a decent cup of coffee for that anymore. Looks like Ford's heading for the scrap heap. Shame.

Apple's Bite and Amazon's Anxiety

Bank of America says Apple would have to pay 25% more to assemble iPhones in the U.S. Higher labor costs they say. As if Apple gives a damn. They'll just pass the cost onto the consumer who will happily pay $1500 for the latest shiny brick. And Amazon? BofA's worried about the tariff impacts on their supply chains. Mizuho thinks cloud computing growth could slow. Boo fucking hoo. They'll still find a way to make a killing selling us overpriced dog beds and self help books. Wells Fargo cut its DuPont price target to $81 per share. They've been hit hard by tariff fallout including a questionable probe by Chinese regulators. This is a joke.