Jersey Inferno: Some Guys Just Can't Handle Their Pallets

Pallet able Disaster?

Alright so some 19 year old in Waretown New Jersey decides to play with fire literally. Sets some wooden pallets ablaze and then apparently forgets how to use water. I mean come on! Did he think the damn forest would just politely extinguish itself? This isn't exactly rocket science people. Now we've got a wildfire scorching over 23 square miles. Twenty three square miles! That's almost as big as my ego… almost. I'm sure if I invested in some quality fire extinguishing equipment things would have been different.

The Air Up There is Getting Expensive

And the fallout? New York City’s air quality is crap. Rockland Westchester Long Island? All choking on Jersey smoke. The geniuses at the Department of Environmental Conservation are telling people to go inside. As if that’s going to solve anything. This is the kind of situation where you buy up every available air purifier and then sell them at a 500% markup. Opportunity people! Opportunity! If you're gonna be a 'go getter' and start a fire at least have the decency to properly put it out.

Evacuate? More Like Capitalize!

Five thousand people evacuated but now they're back. One commercial building gone some vehicles crisped. Twelve structures threatened? Sounds like a chance to pick up some distressed property on the cheap. 'What's the point of having fuck you money if you never say fuck you?' Well I'm saying it to the property values in that area. Time to make some calls.

The Government Steps In (Eventually)

Acting Governor Tahesha Way declares a state of emergency. About 50% contained? That means 50% more to burn baby! The video shows flames and smoke. Groundbreaking stuff. These bureaucrats act like they're actually doing something but meanwhile the Pine Barrens are turning into a charcoal briquette. The lack of real rain has me like 'what is this amateur hour?'

Pine Barrens: Nature's Tinderbox

The Pine Barrens: a 1.1 million acre protected reserve basically a giant pile of kindling waiting for a spark. Quick draining sandy soil dry conditions and winds? It’s like nature's own barbecue pit. This place is just begging for a match. I should buy up all the firefighting resources in the state then lease them back at exorbitant rates. Now that's what I call synergy. Sometimes you gotta play a little dirty in order to win.

Lessons Learned (Probably Not)

So what’s the takeaway here? Don't play with fire if you can't handle the heat. And always always look for the angle. Someone's screwing up in the world? Find a way to profit from it. That's the Axelrod way. Now if you'll excuse me I've got some investments to make. Maybe I'll short the entire state of New Jersey. Just kidding... maybe. As I always say 'What's the point of being on top if you don't grind your heel in?'