Trump's Tariffs Trigger Bear Market?! Is Your Portfolio Doomed!

Liberation Day... or Economic Apocalypse?

Well folks it seems like my old pal Donald has managed to stir up a hornet's nest with these tariffs. Goldman Sachs is calling it an 'event driven bear market,' and frankly it sounds like a really expensive party favor. Back in my day we were more worried about blue screens of death than red flags on the stock exchange. But hey as I always say 'Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.' Maybe this 'liberation day' will teach us something about global economics... or maybe it'll just liberate us from our savings. Let's hope it isn't the latter!

Recession Probability: Higher Than My Patience for Clippy

According to the eggheads at Goldman the probability of a recession is climbing faster than my enthusiasm for spreadsheets in the '80s. They've slashed their GDP growth forecast and upped the recession odds to a not so comforting 45%. Remember I once said 'I believe that if you show people the problems and you show them the solutions they will be moved to act.' So what's the solution here? More cowbell? Probably not. But understanding the problem is the first step. Maybe we should all invest in canned goods and learn how to code... just in case.

Bear Market Bingo: Event Driven Cyclical or Structural?

Goldman's broken down bear markets into three delightful flavors: structural cyclical and event driven. Structural is like a financial meteor hitting Earth cyclical is your run of the mill economic downturn and event driven is... well it's whatever Trump just did with these tariffs. The good news? Event driven bear markets are supposedly shorter. The bad news? We're still talking about potentially significant losses. As I always say 'Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.' And chances are those nerds are currently trying to figure out how to navigate this mess.

S&P 500: Preparing for the Plunge?

Buckle up buttercups! Goldman Sachs suggests the S&P 500 could plummet another 15% potentially bottoming out at a level that makes even my old Windows ME days look stable. We're talking about wiping out a chunk of those hard earned gains. It's enough to make you want to invest in something truly stable like… uh… well I'm open to suggestions. Just remember my motto: 'Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.' So let's learn from this and maybe invest in something that isn't quite so volatile.

Time is Money Honey!

How long will this bear market hibernation last? Goldman's saying an event driven market could bounce back in a year while a cyclical one might take five years. Structural? Forget about it – a decade! So the question is do you have the patience of a saint or the investment strategy of a caffeinated squirrel? Choose wisely my friends. I will leave you with this quote from me Bill Gates: “We always overestimate the change that will occur in the next two years and underestimate the change that will occur in the next ten.”

CNBC Pro LIVE: My Keyboard and I Will Be Watching From Home

CNBC is hosting some shindig at the New York Stock Exchange. Sounds fancy! They have pro clinics talks and even a cocktail hour. If I weren't busy trying to solve world hunger and figure out how to make kale taste good (still a work in progress) I might consider attending. But fear not dear investors! I'm sure the insights will be valuable. And hey if all else fails you can always blame the guy with the tariffs.