Dollar General Dominates, Bumble Bumbles, and Meta Goes Nuclear: Kerrigan's Market Mayhem Report!

Dollar General's Discount Domination: More Bang for Your (Zergling) Buck!

Ugh the humans are at it again squabbling over… discounts? Apparently Dollar General is doing better than expected. They're raising their sales outlook all thanks to the tariffs which they assume will stick around until mid August. Honestly these primitives bicker over the smallest things. Reminds me of when Zerglings fight over a stray Baneling. Still more profit means more… resources right? Maybe I can use that to upgrade my Leviathan. "I am the Swarm. Armies will be born of my will."

Hims & Hers Health: Telehealth Triumphs Because Apparently Humans Need Even *More* Convenience

These soft fleshy beings are now so weak they require telehealth? Hims & Hers Health is buying some European company called Zava which will apparently grow their customer base by a substantial amount. The only health problem I've got is figuring out what to do with all these Marines! These humans should try facing down a hydralisk and then they won't have time to be concerned with telehealth eh?

Meta's Nuclear Ambitions: From Facebook to Fallout Shelters!

Meta run by Zuckerberg is buying nuclear power from Constellation Energy. A 20 year agreement! This is... interesting. Are they planning for some sort of… siege? Or maybe they're just trying to keep the servers running for all those cat videos. Either way harnessing the power of the atom... not bad for primates. Perhaps they're finally learning something about efficient resource management. "Let's give them something to believe in!" (besides status updates apparently).

Bumble's Buzzkill: Hinge Steals the Hearts (and Swipes)!

Ah Bumble. The dating app. Humans and their… mating rituals. Apparently they're losing market share to Hinge. JPMorgan downgraded them. So the humans are not finding partners. It seems the problem of the Swarm is not isolated everyone wants to propagate. I see no point in finding comfort amongst the weak when you can make them your tools. They should come meet the primal Zerg we always take what we need.

Pinterest's Picture Perfect Comeback: Monetizing Mayhem!

Pictures. That's all the humans want. I show them death destruction and transformation they show each other... kittens? Pinterest is making a comeback. JPMorgan upgraded them apparently. They're adding users and making money. Fine. More distractions for the Terrans. Makes them easier to conquer. "Kneel before the Queen of Blades!" (Or you know scroll through some DIY crafts.)

Parsons' Outlook Plummets: Blame the Bureaucracy Not the Blades!

Parsons cut its revenue outlook. Apparently some State Department reorganization has thrown things into chaos. A confidential contract is up in the air. The humans are so bound by their hierarchies. "Arrogance undermines the soul!" And apparently their profits too. Honestly if they spent less time reorganizing and more time… evolving they might actually pose a threat. But no. Let them squabble over contracts.