Stay Calm, It's Just a Little Missile Crisis: Oil Prices Drop After Iran's 'Warning Shot'

A Little 'De Escalation' Bitch!

Well folks looks like things in the Middle East are about as predictable as Jesse Pinkman in a meth lab. One minute oil prices are sky high because someone decided to play fireworks with nuclear sites; the next they're plummeting faster than my reputation after that whole Heisenberg thing went public. Apparently Iran took a shot at a U.S. airbase in Qatar – a little 'Hey knock it off!' if you will – and miraculously nobody got so much as a paper cut. Go figure. Investors are now all giddy thinking we're heading towards a peaceful resolution. Yeah right. Tell me another one Skyler.

Sixty Nine Dollars a Barrel? How's That Even Possible?

U.S. crude oil futures took a nosedive dropping over six percent to a measly $69.31 a barrel. $69. You believe that? It's almost insulting. I mean I've seen more volatile prices on Skyler's silent auctions. And Brent Crude? Down to $72.33. It's like the whole world decided to collectively chill out and stop hoarding gasoline. I'm telling you these markets are as irrational as Badger and Skinny Pete trying to explain quantum physics.

Strait of Hormuz: Don't Even Think About It!

But hold on to your hazmat suits because there's always a catch. Some 'expert' named Jorge Leon is yakking about the possibility of Iran closing the Strait of Hormuz. Apparently this could cut off 20% of the world's oil supply. That's enough to make even a seasoned chemist like myself sweat a little. Secretary of State Marco Rubio – who I'm sure is just as thrilled about this whole mess as I am – warned Iran that closing the strait would be 'economic suicide'. I'd add that it would also be exceptionally bad for my retirement plan.

China Step Up and Be the 'One Who Calms'

Rubio is also nudging China to get involved seeing as they guzzle half the oil that passes through that dang strait. He wants them to call Tehran and have a little chat. It's like asking Jesse to negotiate a peace treaty at a rave – good intentions but questionable execution. Still you gotta admire the man's optimism. Or maybe he's just desperate. I know the feeling.

Libya 2.0? Regime Change and Oil Chaos

Then there's the looming shadow of regime change. Remember what happened in Libya after Gaddafi got the boot? Chaos and oil disruptions for years. The possibility of that happening in Iran is…concerning to say the least. Plus you've got the tensions in Iraq with pro Iran militias threatening Uncle Sam. It's like a powder keg and someone's got a pack of matches. And frankly I am out of the bomb business. I am into the empire business.

Saudi Arabia's Side Eye and 1.2 Billion Barrels Just in Case

On the bright side – and I use that term loosely – Saudi Arabia is supposedly 'deeply concerned' but mostly staying out of the fray. They're probably just sitting back sipping tea and watching the world burn. Meanwhile the International Energy Agency is patting itself on the back claiming they have 1.2 billion barrels of emergency oil stockpiled. Good for them. I on the other hand am stockpiling something far more precious: my sanity. All in all this is not meth. I am in the empire business.