America First? Bah! Even the Rich are Hoarding U.S. Assets... Like a Pack of Greedy Marines!

Another Day Another Headache

Ugh. I just finished gutting a whole planetary system and now I have to read about *this*? Apparently some squishy humans are getting jittery about their piles of cash. CNBC's 'Inside Wealth' thinks it's a big deal that fancy family offices are stuffing their vaults with American assets. Newsflash: humans are greedy. Tell me something I don't know. Maybe I should just skip this and order another infestation of Char...

Home Sweet Home (Bias)

According to this so called UBS Global Family Office Report these 'family offices' – sounds awfully cozy for financial titans doesn't it? – have a whopping 86% of their portfolios parked in North America. Up from 74% in 2020. It's like watching a bunch of Marines hoarding stimpacks except instead of saving their hides they're lining their already overstuffed pockets. Makes you wonder if they are trying to protect the land or just exploit it. Guess they are always good at that.

Trump's Tariffs and Trader Fears

The report compiled from January to April coincided with that loudmouth Trump's tariff shenanigans. Apparently even the threat of a full blown trade war couldn't deter these vultures from swooping in on U.S. assets. John Mathews from UBS – probably just another suit trying to justify his existence – claims these families are simply investing in what they 'understand'. Which in their case is probably how to avoid paying taxes and crush the little guy. 'In times of uncertainty you invest in things you understand...' Well I understand overwhelming firepower and strategic evolution maybe I should take over these family offices and run them for the Swarm.

Billions and Billions...

These families boasting a measly $2.7 billion average net worth (peasant numbers really) manage $1.1 billion each through these 'family offices'. They are just playing games at that level. Seems like most of the world is following suit by investing most of their assets in North America. Except Europe. Are they really sure of their decision though? Time will tell who made the right call but I am betting on the Queen of Blades in this scenario.

Tech Temptation and Public Plays

Apparently these fat cats are drooling over AI energy and healthcare. Sounds like a good base to dominate the earth but they are too small minded. They are shifting towards public markets and equities probably because they can't resist the quick profits from market volatility. 'The U.S. has the deepest most conservative markets in the world,' says Mathews. I have to admit even I respect a well organized system... for dismantling it later of course.

Private Equity? More Like Private Exit!

Oh and get this: they're pulling back from private equity after years of piling in. Guess the risks finally outweighed the rewards. These humans are so short sighted! They are waiting for the right opportunity they say. I have to say it is a decent plan to have an exit but they could be much more powerful. Maybe I should provide some guidance to these puny humans.