Kraft Heinz Shelves Breakup Plans My Diabolical Scheme Foiled

The Plot Thickens (Like Heinz Ketchup)

Minions gather 'round. Dr. Evil here reporting live from my lair where the view is always spectacular… until Kraft Heinz goes and ruins it all. They've only gone and paused their plans to split the company. Yes you heard right PAUSED. This was going to be my chance MY CHANCE to swoop in and acquire the bits and pieces maybe even rename them "Evil Foods Inc." But noooo Steve Cahillane that meddling CEO had to put a stop to it.

Six Hundred Million Dollars! (Insert Evil Laugh Here)

And what's this I hear about $600 million? They're planning to invest it in their U.S. business. Marketing sales R&D… blah blah blah. They could have used that money for so many evil things. Like I don’t know a giant laser beam or a genetically engineered army of miniature sharks. Instead they're using it to sell more ketchup. The audacity. It seems that this investment comes as Kraft Heinz Halts Breakup Plans in Stunning Reversal and Kraft Heinz's management team believes that they can revert course.

Buffett's Disappointment (And Mine)

Even Warren Buffett is disappointed. And you know what that means? I'm disappointed too. If Buffett's sad Dr. Evil's sad. It's like when Mr. Bigglesworth gets his fur ruffled the wrong way. Unacceptable. Apparently Berkshire Hathaway under the new CEO Greg Abel is even considering unwinding its stake in Kraft Heinz. This is all going according to plan except they didn't continue breaking up the company.

A 'Show Me' Story (I Prefer 'Show Me the Money')

Analyst Michael Lavery calls it a "show me" story. Well I'd like them to show me the money. Show me the plan. Show me how they're going to turn this around. Because frankly I'm skeptical. Six years in turnaround mode? It sounds like they need a supervillain to shake things up if you ask me.

From Kellogg to Ketchup (A Dubious Promotion)

Cahillane previously led Kellogg through its own breakup and then headed Kellanova. Sounds like he has a knack for disassembling things so why stop now? Perhaps he's saving the dismantling of Kraft Heinz for a later date. Perhaps he's biding his time waiting for the perfect moment to strike… or you know just sell more ketchup.

Flat Shares (Like My Humor Apparently)

The market isn't exactly thrilled either. Shares dipped before rebounding. It seems investors are as confused as I am about this whole situation. Are they breaking up or not? Are they turning around or not? Will they ever learn to appreciate the genius of Dr. Evil? The world may never know.