Trump's Kharg Island Blitz Oil Prices Skyrocket

Kaboom Goes Kharg Island

Alright alright settle down buttercups. Jinx here reporting live from… well not exactly *there* because explosions and all that. But word on the street – or you know *everywhere* – is that orange haired guy the one who likes his name on buildings decided to turn Iran's Kharg Island into a fireworks display. Said he ordered a 'powerful bombing raid'. Seems a little extra even for me.

Oil Lifeline? More Like an Oil Fuse

So apparently Kharg Island is this super important place where Iran keeps all its oily black gold – like 90% of it. And Mr. President decided to make it go BOOM but not *too* boom. He spared the actual oil rigs… for now. He's threatening to change his mind if anyone messes with the Strait of Hormuz. Sounds like someone's having a bit of a mood swing. Speaking of messes have you seen what happens when I try to bake a cake? Total disaster. Reminds me of that one time I tried to fix Blitzcrank’s wiring… Anyway if you like stories about things blowing up consider reading this one Burger King's Remodel Rampage Hits a Wall: Duke Nukem Investigates.

Dead Plans and Unconditional Surrender… Sounds Serious

Apparently Iran had plans to take over the Middle East and obliterate Israel. Plans are now dead he says. Like seriously dead. 'Unconditional surrender' is the term he is using. Reminds me of the time Vi tried to 'unconditionally surrender' me to bedtime. Didn't work out too well for her. This whole situation is like playing with a Mega Death Rocket indoors… bound to end badly.

How Long Will It Last

When asked how long this little… disagreement will last he says he doesn't know but they're 'way ahead of schedule'. Ahead of schedule for what exactly? World War Three? I hope there will be explosions in that case and not just politics and talks. This is getting better than my usual Tuesday.

Oil Prices Go Ka Ching

So surprise surprise blowing up stuff near oil makes the price go up. Brent crude is over $100 a barrel. Looks like everyone is going to be paying extra to fill up their gas guzzlers. Serves them right they should drive faster so they use fuel faster so they pay more. More explosions and more oil means more money and more power for everyone right? Right?

Ground Troops? Nah Too Messy

Seems like nobody wants to actually set foot on Kharg Island. Too much potential for… well more explosions probably. Plus some 'analysts' are saying it would be a huge risk both for the world's piggy bank and for you know not starting a *real* war. But where is the fun in not starting a real war? I mean that is the point of all of this. To see who has the bigger booms. Now if you will excuse me I feel an urge to set something on fire. Or two.