Kraft Heinz Dumps Breakup Plans What a Load of Bollocks

Kraft Heinz's Kitchen Nightmare

Right listen up you lot. Kraft Heinz eh? For years they've been serving up a bland dish a culinary catastrophe if you ask me. Now they were planning to split the bloody business. Honestly it was like watching a chef who can't cook trying to juggle flaming pans. CEO Steve Cahillane steps in and suddenly the music stops. No more separation. He's put a stop to it saying it's all fixable. "Fixable," he says. Well let's see if he can actually turn this around or if it's just another load of donkey sauce.

Six Hundred Million Dollars – Where's It Going

So Kraft Heinz is splashing out $600 million to 'turnaround' the U.S. business. That’s a lot of bloody money. Marketing sales R&D and product superiority they say. Sounds like a desperate attempt to throw money at the problem and hope it sticks. Are they actually going to create something decent or just rebrand the same old garbage? This reminds me of a restaurant I once visited where the chef spent more on fancy plates than on actual ingredients. The food was still rubbish. Much like the Panama Canal Tug of War US vs China Over Control I once observed there's a lot of maneuvering but not enough actual progress being made.

Buffett's Bitter Pill

Warren Buffett the financial wizard seems a bit miffed about this whole shebang. He helped put Kraft and Heinz together and now he's watching the whole thing teeter on the edge of disaster. Berkshire Hathaway is already eyeing an exit. I bet he feels like he’s been served a plate of cold soggy chips. It's a reminder that even the best chefs can sometimes screw up a recipe. And when they do the consequences can be rather costly wouldn’t you agree?

Analyst's Acid Test

The analysts aren't exactly throwing ticker tape parades are they? One analyst Michael Lavery says this is a 'show me' story. Translation: We'll believe it when we see it. He's right of course. Talk is cheap. Kraft Heinz needs to prove they can actually deliver. And deliver quickly or they'll be facing a whole new level of hell's kitchen.

Wall Street's Wobble

Wall Street’s about as steady as a one legged donkey on an ice rink. The share price initially tanked then bounced back. Investors are clearly confused and who can blame them? It's like watching a cooking competition where no one knows what they're doing. The markets are waiting to see if Cahillane can pull a rabbit out of his hat or if this is just the beginning of a long slow decline. Don't get me started...

Cahillane's Challenge

So Cahillane has a mountain to climb. He's got to whip Kraft Heinz into shape revive those tired brands and actually start making some decent food. It's a massive undertaking. But if he doesn't succeed he'll be hearing from me. And trust me he doesn't want that. Now let's see if he can actually cook or if he's just another pretender in a chef's jacket. Get it done and make it delicious