U.S. Deficit Shrinks Thanks to Tariffs, Supreme Court Looms Like a Giant Douche

Sweet Tariff Money Dude!

Alright listen up you guys. Eric Cartman here reporting live from my freakin' couch. So apparently the U.S. government managed to not completely suck at money for once. Turns out all those tariffs that President Douchebag… I mean Trump… slapped on everything actually did something. We're talking about $30 billion in January alone. That's like enough to buy a whole lotta Cheesy Poofs and still have some left over for Butters to pay me back for all the times I've had to "babysit" him.

Supreme Court: Friend or Foe?

But hold your horses because there's a catch. The Supreme Court is being a bunch of dicks as usual and might decide that Trump's tariffs were like totally illegal. If that happens the U.S. might have to pay back all that sweet sweet tariff money. That's a lot of money you guys and I have plans for it. Speaking of money and potentially losing it have you heard about Novo Nordisk's New Pill Shows Early Promise in Weight Loss Battle. Maybe I should invest in that – it would keep those pesky fatties at bay!

Debt: It's Like When Kyle Owes Me $10

And speaking of money the U.S. is drowning in debt. Like seriously drowning. We're talking trillions of dollars here. It's like when Kyle owes me $10 but multiplied by a gazillion. All that debt means we have to pay a ton in interest every month which is basically throwing money away. I could use that money to I don't know build my own amusement park or something. Screw you guys I'm going home.

Blame Canada?

So what's the solution? Well obviously we need to get rid of all the poor people. That's what I've been saying all along. Less poor people means less government spending which means more money for me. Or maybe we should just blame Canada. It's always Canada's fault anyway.

Cartman's Economic Genius

Look I'm not an economist or anything. I'm just a kid with a dream of world domination a sweet respect for my authoritah and a love for Cheesy Poofs. But even I can see that the U.S. needs to get its act together. We need to make more money and stop spending so much on stupid crap like healthcare and education. Seriously who needs school when you have Eric Cartman to teach you everything you need to know?

Respect My Authoritah… and My Tariffs

In conclusion the U.S. deficit is shrinking thanks to tariffs but the Supreme Court is being a pain in the ass. The national debt is still a huge problem and someone needs to figure out how to solve it. And if nobody else will I Eric Cartman will take matters into my own hands. Because I'm not just some kid I'm Eric Cartman and you will respect my authoritah!