UAE Blames Iran for Economic Terrorism Fueling Global Oil Crisis

Respect My Authoritah: Iran's Making Everyone's Lives Harder

Alright listen up you guys. This is Eric Cartman reporting and let me tell you this whole Iran situation is seriously messing with my plans to get rich. Apparently these guys are attacking ships in the Strait of Hormuz which is like the most important place for oil. And now the UAE is saying it's "economic terrorism." Economic terrorism? What is this a new episode of Terrance and Phillip? Seriously this is screwing with everyone’s gas prices and frankly I don’t have time for it. I need my Cheesy Poofs damn it.

Economic Terrorism? More Like Economic Turdism

So this Al Jaber dude from the UAE is going on and on about how Iran is holding the world hostage. He calls it "economic terrorism." Look I'm no expert but it sounds like a pain in the ass for everyone including me. The Strait of Hormuz is blocked meaning no oil is moving. Did you know that there are serious discussions happening now? Well you can follow Medicaid Funding Freeze Sparks National Debate and educate yourself!

Blame Canada... Or Iran Whatever

Of course everyone's pointing fingers. The UAE is blaming Iran and probably secretly blaming Canada too. You know how they are always sneaking around maple syruping up the world. But seriously this is affecting real people. I mean who’s gonna pay for my Xbox Live subscription when gas prices are through the roof? I need to level up my Paladin goddammit.

Trump's About Face: From Bombs to… Productive Talks?

And then there’s Trump. He was all ready to bomb Iran's power plants which sounds like a great way to solve all our problems right? But then suddenly he's having "productive talks" and postponing the bombing. Productive talks? What the hell does that even mean? Does it involve him promising to give them a golden toilet or something? This is all just a big load of crap.

Oil Prices are Soaring and I'm Not Happy

Because of all this crap oil prices are going up. Up up up. And that means everything else is going up too. Like even the price of Cheesy Poofs! This is unacceptable. I demand someone do something about this and fast. Maybe we should just nuke Iran. Problem solved.

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home... To Fix This Mess (Maybe)

So yeah that's the deal. Iran's being a bunch of buttholes the UAE is whining Trump is being…Trump and I'm stuck paying more for gas. This whole situation is seriously cramping my style. Screw you guys I'm going home…to figure out how I can profit from this whole mess. Because let's face it someone's gotta make money off this chaos and it might as well be me.