Trump Hints at Swift US Exit From Iran

Trump's Big Announcement Respect My Authoritah

Alright listen up you guys. It's Eric Cartman here and I'm reporting on something HUGE. Apparently President Trump who's like totally my hero is saying we're pulling our troops out of Iran. He said it's gonna happen in like "two or three weeks." Can you believe it? Finally some common sense. As if Iran even matters they're just a bunch of Butters always causing trouble and being little crybabies.

No Reason To Be There Lame Excuses

Trump says there's "no reason for us to do this." Which is what I've been saying ALL ALONG. Why are we even bothering with these countries? It's like when Kyle tries to tell me what to do. I don't need his dumb liberal advice and America doesn't need to be policing the world. We should be focusing on more important stuff like making sure I get all the cheesy poofs I want. You know sometimes things aren't always as clear cut as they seem just like in Cuba's Lights Out A Comedy of Errors or Calculated Chaos. Sometimes the reason for acting is more than meets the eye.

Bombing Stuff Rulez

But here's the best part. Trump also said "Everything's been bombed out." AWESOME. We're "hitting them very hard" and "knocked out tremendous amounts of missile making facilities." See this is how you deal with people who don't respect your authoritah. You just bomb them until they cry uncle. It's like playing superhero but for real. Only cooler.

Totally Unchecked What Does This Even Mean

He even said we're "totally unchecked." I'm not exactly sure what that means but it sounds pretty badass. It's like when I'm in charge of the Coon and Friends. Nobody can tell me what to do because I'm the leader and I have superpowers and I make the rules.

US and Israel Team Up Screw You Guys I'm Going Home

Apparently we teamed up with Israel to do all this bombing. Good for them. They're probably tired of those Iranian Butters too. But now that we've blown everything up we're leaving. Which is fine by me. I've got way more important things to worry about like making sure my mom buys me the new Xbox.

Cartman's Final Thoughts Screw You Guys

So there you have it. Trump's pulling out of Iran. I couldn't care less as long as it means we're spending less money on those losers and more money on cheesy poofs and Xboxes. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go practice my Cartman voice. Respect my authoritah. Screw you guys I'm going home.