GPS Gone Wild Middle East Navigational Nightmare Unfolds

Aw Crap GPS is Messed Up Again

Okay so apparently the GPS is acting like Butters after too much syrup – totally lost. This Kpler company they track ships and stuff and they're seeing boats doin' the craziest dances in the Persian Gulf. We're talking boats drivin' on land makin' right angles like they're drawn by a kindergartner. And like this is happening because everyone's trying to mess with each other's signals probably cause they can't win fair and square.

Blame Canada (and Everyone Else)

So this Swope guy from CSIS (whatever that is) says everyone's jamming GPS signals to protect themselves from drone attacks. It's like a big game of tag but with missiles and stuff. And then there's this Windward company and they're saying over a thousand ships had GPS problems in the Gulf right after the "pre emptive" strikes started. Pre emptive? Sounds like something Kyle would say when he's about to steal my Cheesy Poofs. Speaking of things going wrong check out Companies Tanking Like Kenny After a Bus Accident it's almost as bad as Kyle winning at anything.

My Uber Eats is Now Swimming With the Fishes

This GPS jamming ain't just messing with wars you guys. It's screwing up everything. Airplanes are flying in squiggly lines and food delivery guys are ending up off the coast of Dubai. Off the coast of Dubai. My Uber Eats better not end up in the ocean. I want my cheesy poofs dammit. This Dyer lady from the GPS Innovation Alliance is all worried about public safety. Like duh people could crash or something. This is almost as important as me getting my stuffed animals.

Is China to Blame? Respect My Authoritah

Now here's where it gets interesting. This Hidary dude from SandboxAQ says Iran is using China's BeiDou satellite system to make their missiles more accurate. BeiDou? Sounds like a Pokemon. Apparently the Chinese made their own GPS because they didn't trust ours after some Taiwan Strait thing. Now they might be helping Iran. This is getting serious like when Mom finds out I put chili in Wendy's underwear.

They're All Full of Crap. I Know Better.

But hold on Swope says even if Iran is using BeiDou it's no big deal because everyone's chips can read all the signals anyway. Dyer agrees saying most receivers use multiple systems. So basically everyone's just pointing fingers but nobody really knows what's going on. It's like when Butters tries to explain something – totally confusing.

Screw Satellites We Need Magnets

Ferrara from SandboxAQ says this whole mess shows that we can't rely on satellites alone. They're working on a system that uses the Earth's magnetic field instead. Sounds like something Mysterion would do. And apparently these other satellite systems are challenging America's dominance in navigation. But Swope says the US military is upgrading to a jam resistant GPS so they'll be fine. As long as they don't touch my cheesy poofs I'm cool with whatever they do.