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Rick Sanchez dissects Amazon's surprisingly okay earnings report, soft guidance, and the general existential dread of late-stage capitalism. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! image

Amazon's Q1: More Like Amazon't, Am I Right?

Thu 01 May, 2025 20:26
2 minutes to read

Professor Farnsworth reports on the scandalous dismissal of Kohl's CEO, Ashley Buchanan, for engaging in a 'highly unusual' relationship with a vendor, and the company's subsequent rebound. image

Good News Everyone! Kohl's CEO Fired for Romantic Entanglements!

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:24
3 minutes to read

Meta Platforms defies macroeconomic gloom with stellar earnings, fueled by resilient advertising and strategic AI investments, proving once again that imagination is more important than knowledge. image

Meta's Quantum Leap: More Than Just 'Relatively Healthy' Adv Demand!

Thu 01 May, 2025 18:04
3 minutes to read

Eli Lilly shrugs off CVS partnership drama with Novo Nordisk, touting innovation and oral meds while stock dips. 'Rules are meant to be broken,' right? image

Lilly's Pill-Popping Party Doesn't Stop for CVS's Silly Shenanigans!

Thu 01 May, 2025 18:04
2 minutes to read

Goku reports on Johnson & Johnson joining Goldman Sachs' top stock picks, while others get 'deleted' like a defeated villain! Prepare for an economic Spirit Bomb! image

Kamehame-HA! Johnson & Johnson Powers Up Goldman Sachs' Conviction List!

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:32
3 minutes to read

Peter Griffin reports on Goldman Sachs adding Johnson & Johnson to its 'Conviction List,' while I'm just trying to figure out what that even means. image

Holy Crap Lois! Goldman Sachs is Pushing Pills! Johnson & Johnson Stock Gets the Thumbs Up!

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:32
3 minutes to read

That's right folks, even with those pesky tariffs, the demand for data centers is still soaring high, quack-quack! image

Aw, Phooey! Data Center Demand is HOTTER Than My Temper!

Thu 01 May, 2025 18:09
2 minutes to read

Forrest Gump reports on the day's stock market swings: Meta's a hit, Eli Lilly's a miss, and the market keeps on truckin'. image

Run Forrest, Run! Stock Market's Like a Box of Chocolates!

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:27
2 minutes to read

Earnings reports from Microsoft and Meta boost CoreWeave's stock, suggesting AI infrastructure spending remains strong despite tariff concerns, but remember to stand up straight and tell the truth. image

CoreWeave's AI Ascent: Cleans Your Room Before You Criticize Its Tariff Tantrums!

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:55
3 minutes to read

Microsoft and Meta's strong earnings reports provide a lifeline to CoreWeave amid tariff concerns, but the Queen of Blades remains skeptical. image

CoreWeave Survives Trump's Tariff Threat: Hope Rekindled or Just a Temporary Zerg Rush?

Thu 01 May, 2025 17:55
3 minutes to read