Crude Awakening Oil Prices Tumble After Trump Hints at Iran Exit

Freakin' Sweet Freedom Oil Prices Drop Like Lois's Temper

Okay so apparently the world's been holding its breath over this whole Iran thing right? And now Trump bless his heart basically says "Eh we're outta here in a couple of weeks." And BAM! Oil prices take a nosedive faster than Peter Griffin at a pie eating contest. It's like that time I tried to diet. Lasted about as long as it takes to say "Giggity."

Holy Crap The Strait of Hormuz Shutdown and Global Panic

So get this Iran's gone all 'Weekend at Bernie's' on the Strait of Hormuz which for those of you who don't speak fancy oil talk is like the highway for all the world's oil tankers. They've effectively shut it down. Twenty percent of the world's oil flow is just... gone. Now I'm no economist but I know a thing or two about shortages. Remember the Great Cranberry Sauce Shortage of '82? Dark times people dark times. Reminds me of Dollar Dips Yen Holds: Snoop Dogg's Take on the Currency Chaos which highlights the unpredictability of global markets.

Iranian Drones Attack: Not Cool Iran Not Cool

And just when you think things couldn't get any crazier Iranian drones decided to throw a party at Kuwait International Airport targeting fuel tanks. Boom! Fire! Destruction! It's like they're trying to recreate that scene from "Independence Day," only with more oil and less Will Smith. Seriously guys can't we all just get along? Maybe share a few frosty beers and a plate of chicken wings?

Trump's Dilemma: To Stay or To Go That Is the Question

So this Michael Feller guy some smarty pants think tank dude says Trump's stuck. Leaving now would be like admitting he lost a staring contest with a goldfish. But apparently threatening to blow up civilian stuff isn't helping either. All it does is make the oil prices go even higher which means I have to pay even more for gas. And you know how much gas my car guzzles. It's like feeding a whale… a very thirsty whale.

Messages and Mayhem: What's Really Going On?

Apparently everyone's talking to everyone else but no one's actually talking. It's like that Thanksgiving dinner with the in laws. You're all there but nobody's really saying what they mean. This Iranian Foreign Minister dude says they're getting messages from the U.S. but it's not "negotiations." Sounds fishy to me. Like that time I found a suspicious looking meatball in the fridge. It was labeled "mystery meat," and let's just say I didn't ask questions. Some things are better left unknown.

The Quahog Perspective: What Does It All Mean?

Look I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe. All I know is that oil prices going up means less money for beer and chicken wings. And that my friends is a tragedy of epic proportions. So here's hoping everyone figures this mess out soon. Before I have to start rationing my Pawtucket Patriot Ale.