Screw You Guys, I'm Disrupting Global Oil Markets

Respect My Authoritah: The Strait Situation

Alright listen up you guys. I'm Eric Cartman and I know more about global politics than your stupid parents. So this whole thing with the Strait of Hormuz? It's a bigger deal than free cheesy poofs. The price of shipping oil through that stupid little puddle has gone higher than Heidi Turner's opinion of Kyle. We're talking record breaking off the charts expensive. It's like paying Butters to do your homework except way more serious you guys.

Whiny Insurers Canceling Everything

So these whiny marine insurance companies like The American Club and bunch of others I don't care about they're all pulling their war risk coverage. Because oh no there might be some actual war. Boo hoo! Try dealing with Kenny's constant dying and coming back THEN you can complain. This means it's even more expensive to ship stuff through the Middle East because who wants to risk their precious tankers getting blown up by Iran? I say let them fight! It's way more entertaining than another Terrance and Phillip movie. Speaking of clusterfucks you should really see this article Global Markets Rocked by Mideast Tensions: A Djokovic Serve of Insight. It's got more drama than the time Kyle tried to steal my Cartmanland tickets.

Shipping Giants Acting Like a Bunch of Wendy Testaburgers

Maersk and those other shipping companies? They're rerouting their ships like a bunch of Wendy Testaburgers trying to avoid Stan. They're going all the way around the Cape of Good Hope which is probably somewhere in Africa which is full of pirates so I don't know why they're so worried about Iran. This is going to cause delays and those delays are going to make my already expensive cheesy poofs even more expensive. Screw you guys I'm going home and starting my own shipping company with blackjack and hookers.

Dry Bulk Drama: Rice vs. Coal

Even shipping rice to West Africa is getting screwed up. Apparently some dude paid way too much to ship coal from Indonesia to India because they're scared of getting stuff out of the Persian Gulf. It's like the time I tried to sell Kyle's kidney for money but everyone was too scared to buy it. The global market is a bigger mess than my mom's dating life.

Double Whammy of Doom

This whole situation is a double whammy you guys. The Strait of Hormuz is messed up and the Suez Canal is probably being messed with by the Houthis. It's just like the Covid era except instead of toilet paper shortages we're going to have oil shortages. Which means no gas for my sweet ride. This is unacceptable.

Respect My Expertise: A Cartman Conclusion

So there you have it. The Middle East is a mess shipping is expensive and everything is probably Kyle's fault somehow. I'm Eric Cartman and I approved this message. Now get out of my sight before I call my mom.