Screw You Guys I'm Getting Dividends The Aristocrats of Cash

Dividends Are Cool You Guys

Alright listen up you guys. Eric Cartman here reporting live from my freakin' mansion which by the way is totally funded by *responsible* investments. And guess what's hot right now? Dividend stocks. Yeah those boring sounding things your parents probably nag you about. Turns out they're kinda awesome especially when the whole market is acting like a bunch of Butters. Apparently everyone's ditching tech stocks cause they're scared of AI taking their jobs. Respect my Authoritah.

Dividend Aristocrats Rule

So get this. There's this thing called "Dividend Aristocrats." These are companies that have been raising their dividends for like 25 years straight. That's longer than I've been alive. And these guys are killing it. There's this ETF the ProShares S & P 500 Dividend Aristocrats ETF and it's up 10% this year. Meanwhile the S & P 500 is barely moving. This is because investors are running to non tech companies because everyone is scared about AI just like that time Skynet became self aware. You know what else is cool? This reminds me of that other important piece of news Gateway Project Funds Unfrozen A Victory Over Political Squabbles. Just like those funds being unfrozen these dividend stocks are a sign that things can get moving again when people finally start investing in things that make sense.

Coca Cola Pays You To Drink It

Okay so Coca Cola you know the stuff I drink with my Cheesy Poofs? They just hiked their dividend up again. Like they've been doing it for 64 years. 64 freakin' years! They're basically paying you to drink their soda. Plus Warren Buffett's new replacement Greg Abel is all about Coca cola and how awesome it is so you know its legit. Tokenism. Also they returned like $8.8 billion in dividends to shareholders last year. That's more money than Kyle's mom makes in a lifetime.

NextEra Energy is Powering Up Your Wallet

Then there's NextEra Energy. They're like a power company or something. But who cares because they're also raising their dividends. They're planning to keep doing it too so you can sit back and collect the cash while they're out there making sure your lights stay on. They see a potential of building 30 gigawatts of new generation by 2035 so you know they're going to be making that cash. Oh my god it's so cool!

Abbott Labs Giving You the Goods

And last but not least there's Abbott Labs. They also raised their dividends again and have been doing so for a very long time. They also bought a cancer test company called Exact Sciences so they are moving things around. All in all they are set to grow and give you those dividends.

Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich

So there you have it. Dividend stocks are where it's at. While everyone else is freaking out about AI and the market I'll be sitting here drinking my Coke eating my Cheesy Poofs and cashing those dividend checks. Respect my authoritah and get some dividend stocks. Screw you guys I'm going home...to my mansion that dividends paid for.