Crude Oil Prices Soar, Iran Conflict Fuels Global Fuel Supply Chaos

Screw You Guys I'm Reporting on Oil Prices

Alright listen up you Butters. Cartman here reporting live from my freakin' Mom's basement. And guess what's happening? That stupid Iran is causing all sorts of problems and now we're all gonna have to pay more for gas. Respect my authoritah. Those Iranians I tell you what they are messing with our oil and that means my freakin' South Park Rally expansion pack is gonna cost more. This is unacceptable.

Blame Canada Blame Iran Blame Everyone

So these oil prices they're going up like Kenny after a bad date. Apparently this whole Iran war thing is messing with the Strait of Hormuz which for all you dumbasses out there is where a lot of oil comes from. And now nobody can get their freakin' oil through there because they're all scared of getting blown up. And those guys from Apple should really do something about it they should prevent the attacks or at least they should do something about the mess they made as described in Apple in Hot Water Over Child Safety West Virginia's Lawsuit. Seriously this is worse than when Kyle's Mom is a bitch.

Twenty Percent of the World's Oil My Ass

Twenty percent of the world's oil goes through that Strait of Hormuz? Seriously? That's like saying twenty percent of my weight is muscle. It's a load of crap. But fine whatever. The point is it's a lot of oil and now that it's all screwed up we're all gonna pay the price. My freakin' Casa Bonita trip is gonna cost more.

Trump's Gonna Save Us Probably

So President Trump bless his tiny Cheeto dusted heart says he's gonna do something about it. He's talking about political risk insurance and naval escorts. Naval escorts? What is this Pirates of the Caribbean? He better not screw this up or I swear to God I'm gonna stage a freakin' protest. Although Mom probably won't let me leave the house.

Gas Prices Are Going Up Up Up

And here's the real kick in the nards: gas prices. They've jumped like twenty seven cents a gallon since last week. Twenty seven cents! Do you know how many Cheesy Poofs that is? It's too many! I'm gonna have to start selling lemonade again just to afford my gas money to go see a new Terrance and Phillip movie.

Respect My Authoritah on Gas Prices

So there you have it. The world's going to hell in a handbasket all because of some stupid war and some even stupider oil prices. But don't worry Cartman's here to tell you all about it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go yell at Kyle for something. He probably caused this whole thing anyway.