Lyft CEO Claims Strong Consumer Demand Amidst Stock Plunge

Holy Crap Lyft's in a Pickle

Alright so I'm hearin' that Lyft you know that app I use when I'm too drunk to drive or when Lois hides the car keys after I try to "borrow" it to go to The Drunken Clam well they're sayin' things are great. The big cheese over there David Risher he's yappin' about record profits and a billion dollars in cash. Sounds like Quahog's annual clam bake went public. But get this the stock market's treatin' them like I treat my diet – with utter disregard. Down 15%? That's almost as bad as the time I tried to deep fry a Thanksgiving turkey.

Ridership Blues: Not Enough Butts in Seats

Apparently some fancy pants Wall Street types thought more people would be huffin' it in Lyfts. They were expectin' 29.5 million riders but only got 29.2 million. That's like when I thought I could eat 30 hot dogs at the town picnic but tapped out at 29.3. Close but no cigar. And get this rides totaled 243.5 million for the period missing estimates of 256.6 million. It is almost as bad as missing the estimates for how many beers I can chug in one sitting... Oh well. Speaking of numbers maybe those analysts should check out this article on Japanese Stocks Soar to Record Highs After Landmark Election might be a better investment!

Teenage Wasteland...of Profit?

Now this Risher guy is pumpin' up Lyft's new teen accounts. Apparently parents are payin' for their kids to get shuttled around. Makes sense. I wouldn't trust Stewie behind the wheel and Meg...well let's just say her drivin' is about as appealing as her personality. He also mentioned somethin' about buyin' some European taxi app called FreeNow. Sounds like the perfect name for a bail bonds company.

Robotaxis: The Future is Now...ish

Hold on to your hats folks because Lyft's gettin' into the robotaxi game. Self drivin' cars in Nashville by 2026? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Can you imagine those things tryin' to navigate Quahog? They'd probably end up in the Pawtucket Patriot brewery or worse the Quiet Farm. Still I can't imagine how great it would be after a couple of beers to pass out in one and have it take me home.

Super Bowl Surge and Financial Fiddling

Risher was braggin' about how Lyft cleaned up during the Super Bowl. More rides faster pickups and less price gouging than the competition. That's like braggin' about winnin' a pie eatin' contest against a bunch of toddlers. Then he started talkin' about adjusted EBTIDA and revenue and earnings per share. My brain started to hurt and I just wanted to yell "Giggity!".

So What Does It All Mean?

Look I'm no expert okay? I once tried to invest in a company that made edible underwear. It went bankrupt. But here's the deal: Lyft's tryin' to put on a brave face but they got some problems. Whether they can pull a 'Freakin' Sweet' out of their butts is another question. Now if you'll excuse me I am going to go have a beer. Maybe I will call a Lyft.