Eric Cartman - NewsRetold Latest News

Light
Dark

Showing 11 to 20 of 89 news articles

That stupid Swiss company, On, is making a bunch of money selling shoes and trying to steal Nike and Adidas' market share! Respect my Authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Swiss Shoes! On's Sneaky Plan to Beat Nike and Adidas

Sat 24 May, 2025 14:21
2 minutes to read

Apple's bending over backward in China, offering more trade-in cash for old iPhones. It's about time they give ME a discount, respect my authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Getting an iPhone (For Cheaper!)

Fri 23 May, 2025 07:45
2 minutes to read

That stupid data company, Snowflake, is making a ton of money, and I'm gonna tell you why it pisses me off... because I didn't invest! image

Screw You Guys, Snowflake's Stock is Doing Awesome (Respect My Authoritah)!

Thu 22 May, 2025 16:12
2 minutes to read

Xpeng, the Chinese electric-vehicle maker, is making it rain with killer earnings, making all other car companies look like a bunch of dumbasses! Shares are soaring higher than Kenny after a balloon full of nitrous! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying an Xpeng! Chinese EV Stock Goes Ballistic!

Thu 22 May, 2025 03:50
2 minutes to read

The Trump administration accepted a free luxury Boeing 747 from Qatar, stirring controversy and raising eyebrows faster than Kyle's mom. image

SWEET! Qatar Gives Trump a FREE Air Force One! Screw You Guys, I'm Getting a Plane Too!

Wed 21 May, 2025 17:55
2 minutes to read

Japan's export growth is slower than Kenny's brain activity, thanks to those stupid tariffs from the U.S.! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Tariffs! Japan's Economy Gets Cartmanized by Trump!

Wed 21 May, 2025 02:25
2 minutes to read

The FDA is cracking down on Covid booster approvals for healthy people, and about time, you guys! It's all about real science, not just making money off us. image

Respect My Authoritah! FDA Finally Gets Smart About These Stupid Covid Shots!

Tue 20 May, 2025 15:42
3 minutes to read

Chinese exporters are pulling some seriously shady moves to avoid Trump's tariffs, and U.S. companies are either in on it or too stupid to notice. Either way, it's screwing everyone but China! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Rich! China's Dodging Trump's Tariffs Like I Dodge Kyle's Tears!

Tue 20 May, 2025 00:08
3 minutes to read

That hippie Robert Reich is saying Trump's tariffs are gonna make us all poor and ruin America's totally awesome free ride. Respect my Authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Taking My Dollar and Going Home! (Because Trump's Tariffs Are Messing Everything Up!)

Mon 19 May, 2025 12:33
2 minutes to read

Cartier's parent company, Richemont, is raking in the dough while everyone else is crying about the economy. Apparently, rich people are immune to recessions, you guys. image

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Cartier! Richemont's Sales Soar While You Plebs Struggle!

Sun 18 May, 2025 05:52
2 minutes to read