Columbia Student's Detainment Sparks Immigration Debate

Another Day Another Detainment

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live from the 31st century which believe it or not still has problems with… *sigh* …people detaining other people. Apparently back in your quaint 21st century a Columbia University student named Elmina Aghayeva got nabbed by Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Why? Her student visa was terminated way back in 2016 according to some pencil pusher at the Department of Homeland Security. Sounds like a bureaucratic SNAFU if you ask me but what do I know? I'm just a cyclops trying to make a living in a universe full of do gooders and Bender Bending Rodriguez.

Trump to the Rescue? Maybe

So here's the kicker. New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani apparently got on the horn with none other than President Donald Trump and *poof* she's released. Mamdani even tweeted about it. A tweet for Pete's sake! Remember carrier pigeons? They're much more reliable and have a certain old school charm to them. Anyway Trump apparently informed Mamdani that Aghayeva would be released "imminently." Sounds like someone wanted a quick PR win. And speaking of wins I bet Zapp Brannigan is jealous. Have you ever wondered whether DeepSeek AI Model Threatens Nasdaq Stocks Again is capable of such political manuevers? It appears it is. He probably dreams of "imminently" rescuing damsels in distress even if they don't need rescuing. Also the DeepSeek AI model might be a threat to our society as a whole but that is another article another story...

The University Strikes Back Sort Of

Columbia University isn't exactly thrilled about the whole situation. Acting President Claire Shipman sent out an email claiming the federal agents used "misrepresentations" to get into the building searching for a 'missing person.' Missing person? Sounds like a plot from one of those old detective holovids. Manhattan Borough President Brad Hoylman Sigal went even further accusing ICE of using a phony missing persons bulletin about a 5 year old girl. I've seen less deception from Bender trying to scam his way into a free beer. In fact I wish I could apply that to everything that is happening here on Earth!

Immigration Enforcement Under Fire

This whole kerfuffle comes at a time when immigration is already a major dumpster fire… uh I mean a major point of contention. Tom Homan some Border Czar dude said they were winding down an enforcement surge in Minnesota. Apparently two U.S. citizens were accidentally killed by immigration officials this year. Oops. Looks like someone needs to recalibrate their targeting system. I wonder if Professor Farnsworth has any ideas…

Rules Are Rules… Unless You're ICE

According to Shipman's email law enforcement needs a warrant or subpoena to enter private campus areas. Seems reasonable right? But apparently those pesky federal agents didn't get the memo. They just waltzed in like they owned the place. I swear sometimes I feel like I'm the only one around here who follows the rules. Fry Bender Hermes… they're always bending the laws of physics space and common decency.

Columbia's Past Run Ins

Columbia and the White House haven't exactly been exchanging pleasantries lately. The Education Department claims the school violates anti discrimination laws and Columbia even had to cough up $200 million to restore funding. Plus another student Mahmoud Khalil was detained by ICE last year. It's like they're trying to collect the whole set of Columbia students. At this point I'm half expecting to see Fry get deported to the 20th century again. You know back when people thought New Coke was a good idea.