Equinox's $40,000 Gym Membership Awaiting List Proves the Rich Want to Live Forever

Damn The Price of Staying Alive Is Getting High

Alright listen up you primitive screwheads. Duke Nukem here reporting live from the front lines of… wellness? Apparently the price of kicking ass and living forever is now forty grand a year. Equinox that fancy pants gym has a waiting list longer than my kill count for their "Optimize" program. Forty grand. That's more than I spend on ammo in a good month. But hey if you've got the cash and you want to live like a god who am I to judge? "Hail to the king baby," right? Just make sure you're actually getting something for your money and not just some overpriced kale smoothie.

Health Is the New Luxury? More Like Health Is the New Battlefield

Equinox chairman Harvey Spevak is quoted saying "Health is the new luxury." Well I always knew health was important but I thought it was more about having the stamina to uh save the world. Apparently the one percent are now treating their bodies like a high performance sports car. Personalized training nutrition gurus sleep coaches… sounds like a full time job. But hey if that's what it takes to stay one step ahead of the Grim Reaper maybe they're on to something. And while we're on the subject of staying ahead have you heard about China's Biotech Boom: A Rare Disease Dilemma? It's a whole different ballgame when it comes to health and longevity.

The Global Wellness Market: Ka Ching!

Ten trillion dollars by 2030. That's the estimated size of the global wellness market. Ten. Friggin'. Trillion. Sounds like someone's about to make a killing… literally if you consider all the miracle cures and snake oil salesmen out there. But hey if people are willing to pay for the promise of eternal youth who am I to stop them? Just remember to do your research before you start injecting yourself with unicorn tears or whatever the latest fad is. "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all outta gum."

Equinox Expanding Into Hotels? Time to Pack My Bags

Hotels in Saudi Arabia the Caribbean and even right here in the good ol' US of A. Equinox is going full throttle into the hospitality game. Makes sense I guess. After a brutal workout you're gonna need a place to crash. And if you're dropping forty grand on a gym membership you're probably not staying at the Motel 6. I might have to check one of these places out myself. You know for research purposes. "Come get some."

Blood Tests and IV Drips: Sounds Like My Kind of Party

Function Health biomarkers personalized programs… sounds like they're turning humans into lab rats. And an IV drip lounge that's a "seven figure business"? Seriously? I'm all for science but this is starting to sound like something Dr. Proton would cook up in his lab. Still if it keeps you feeling young and vital I suppose it's worth a shot. Just don't blame me if you start growing extra limbs.

Record Year for Equinox? Time to Invest?

Apparently Equinox is swimming in cash. Good for them. I'm sure they're using it to fund important things like more luxury towels and aromatherapy sessions. Maybe they'll even invent a machine that makes you instantly ripped. Now that's something I'd pay forty grand for. In the meantime I'll stick to my own workout routine: kicking alien ass and saving the world. It's free and it works. "Rest in pieces."