Khamenei Kicked the Bucket Bites the Dust in Explosive Exit

Khamenei's Final Power Down

Well well well looks like the old Ayatollah finally bit the big one. Khamenei that is. Apparently a joint military strike did the trick turning his office into a real fixer upper. This is bigger than Leela's mutant relatives showing up for dinner. Assuming power after Khomeini he wasn't exactly the golden boy but he managed to wrangle control like I wrangle beer. And boy do I love wrangling beer. It’s been a long run for the guy filled with clampdowns resistance economies and enough Western sanctions to make even me Bender Bending Rodriguez feel a little sympathy. Almost.

Celebrations in the Streets But It Ain't a Party Yet

Word on the street – literally – is that some folks are throwing a party. "Khamenei is dead," some Iranian engineer blabbed to CNBC sounds like a real downer name "This is the best day of my life." Alright alright simmer down pal. Just because the head honcho is scrap metal doesn't mean you're getting free beer. Analysts are already pouring cold oil on the party saying this ain't regime change. Think of it like changing a light bulb. You gotta remove the old one but that don't mean the new one's gonna work. Reminds me of the time I tried to fix Fry's toaster; ended up turning his apartment into a disco. By the way for more insights on struggling economies check out Spirit Airlines Downsizes Dreams Doubles Down on Dollars. They know a thing or two about making tough choices.

Succession Scenarios From Bad to Worse

So what happens now? According to the Council on Foreign Relations we've got three lovely options: "regime continuity military takeover or regime collapse." Sounds like a menu at a really depressing restaurant. They don't see any of those scenarios leading to sunshine and rainbows anytime soon. Even if things stay the same – "Khamenei ism without Khamenei," – it's gonna be a mess. New guy learning on the job limited resources and enough problems to give a robot a headache. And let me tell you I've had my share of headaches usually after a night of heavy drinking.

Economy in the Toilet Unless Someone Starts Talking

Marko Papic from Clocktower Group whoever that is says the Iranian economy is "soon to be a parking lot" unless the next leader starts playing nice with the U.S. If they keep up the tough guy act get ready for some serious fireworks. Keith Fitzgerald at Sea Change Partners put it bluntly reminds me of myself sometimes by saying killing Khamenei is just changing a light bulb not fixing the whole lamp. Basically things are looking grim unless someone gets smart. And we all know how rare smarts are in this universe.

Exiled Opposition: A Bunch of Squabbling Meatbags

And what about the opposition in exile? According to some intelligence analyst they're a fragmented mess with no real leadership. Importing some fancy pants from abroad? Not likely to work. Sounds like trying to build a robot army out of spare parts; you might get something that moves but it probably won't be pretty. You've got monarchists republicans Kurdish groups and the People's Mojahedin Organization all fighting for scraps. What a bunch of knuckleheads. They should take a page out of my book. Unite under one banner: the banner of Bender!

Don't Get Your Hopes Up Meatbags

Look I'm not saying things can't change but don't hold your breath. This could be the start of something new or it could be just another chapter in a long boring book. Either way I'll be here drinking beer and watching the world burn. And maybe just maybe I'll learn something along the way. But probably not. Bite my shiny metal you know what.