Persian Gulf Under Siege Shipping Industry Faces Oil Price Apocalypse

Another Day Another Explosion Goddammit

Well this is just great. Another bunch of ships getting blown up in the Persian Gulf. You'd think those dumbasses would learn to stay away from there but noooo. They gotta go and mess with things. It's like that time Kenny wouldn't stop playing with matches. Serves 'em right honestly. I'm Eric Cartman and I'm telling you like it is and I have experience since I saw it on TV. Plus my mom says I'm really smart.

Blame Canada...Or Maybe Iran

So these attacks they're blaming Iran. Figures. They're always messing things up. Remember when they tried to steal our WoW sword? Assholes. But maybe it's Canada this time. Those Canadians are sneaky bastards. Either way it's probably Kyle's fault somehow. That goddamn Jew is always behind everything. Speaking of things going wrong have you heard about what's happening with obesity drugs? It's like the damn wild west out there and it looks like Novo Nordisk Slashes Obesity Drug Prices A Bold Move or Elementary Economics. It's chaos I tell you pure chaos.

$200 Oil What What What?

Two hundred dollars a barrel? Seriously? That's gonna cut into my Butters fund. How am I supposed to buy all the Cheesy Poofs I need when gas is gonna cost a fortune? This is unacceptable. Someone needs to get their act together and fix this mess or else I'm gonna have to start charging people to come to my awesome parties. Respect my authoritah or pay the price. I know what I'm talking about I watch the news.

The IEA's Totally Lame Oil Release

Oh great the IEA is releasing oil reserves. Like that's gonna help. It's probably some kinda commie plot to make everyone equal. And we all know how I feel about equality. It's for losers. Everyone knows I am better than everyone else so I can tell you this won't work. Expert opinion you're welcome.

Economic Shock? Screw You Guys I'm Going Home

An economic shock? Oh noes. Whatever. As long as I can still afford my toys and snacks I don't care. But if this screws up my plans to become the richest kid in South Park heads are gonna roll. You will respect my authoritah. Seriously! I know a lot about economics I have played Monopoly.

Cartman's Expert Analysis

So here's the deal. These attacks are bad oil prices are going up and it's probably all Kyle's fault. The solution? Someone needs to go in there and kick some ass. Maybe I should run for president I'd fix things. And I will be very trustworthy leader! Just respect my authoritah and we'll be fine. I am the only one who knows what's going on.