Starbucks Offers Baristas Bonuses A Giggity-Good Incentive

Starbucks Dangles the Carrot (and a Frappuccino)

Alright alright alright! Quagmire here reporting live from my favorite… well one of my favorite places not named a bachelorette party. Starbucks is apparently trying to get its groove back and who better to grease the wheels than yours truly and a fistful of cash for the baristas? They're offering quarterly bonuses of $300 for hitting those sweet sales and customer service metrics. I always say a little incentive goes a long way – especially when it comes to making sure my double shot espresso is extra hot.

Union Troubles Brewing Like a Bad Batch of Coffee

But hold your horses fellas. There's a catch. Apparently those unionized Starbucks locations? They might be SOL until Starbucks and the union get their act together. It's like trying to pick up chicks at a nunnery – gotta navigate some rules and regulations first. This whole situation reminds me of that time my wife found my stash of vintage Playboy magazines. Just like Trump's Grip on Power Slipping Faster Than My Wife's Affection After I Bring Home Wrong Cheese my grip on domestic tranquility slipped faster than you can say 'giggity'. So yeah negotiations are at a standstill. Hope they can work it out before things get too bitter.

Back to Basics? More Like Back to Profits Baby

So this whole thing is part of Starbucks' grand plan to get "back to Starbucks." Sounds fancy right? But really it just means making the cafes more inviting and forcing… err encouraging baristas to write cute messages on cups. I'm all for a little ambiance but let's be honest it's all about the bottom line. And speaking of bottom lines mine's looking pretty good after that last trip to Vegas. Giggity.

Happy Baristas Happy Customers… Happy Quagmire

Starbucks is also trying to make life easier for its employees adding assistant managers and improving staffing. Happy employees equal happy customers and that means fewer complaints when I order my usual – a venti caramel macchiato with extra foam and a wink for the barista. They're also letting customers tip through the app now. So if you appreciate that perfect latte art don't be stingy. Tip generously my friends. It's good karma and it might just get you a little something extra... like a smile.

Show Me the Money: Paychecks Every Week

And get this – starting in August everyone gets paid weekly. No more waiting around for that bi weekly paycheck. It's like Christmas every seven days! More money means more opportunities for… well you know. Giggity. This is HUGE! Getting paid every week is great now I can get weekly massages haircuts and buy more fancy clothes.

Is it Working? Signs Point to 'Yes'

So far this 'Back to Starbucks' strategy seems to be working. They're seeing more foot traffic which means more people are lining up for their caffeine fix. And who am I to argue with success? After all I'm a simple man. I like my coffee strong my women plentiful and my bonus checks even more plentiful. Giggity Giggity Giggity… Alright!