Oil Prices Soar, Republicans Urge Calm Amidst Iran War Fallout

A Modest Proposal for World Domination (and Oil Prices)

Mwahahaha! Dr. Evil here reporting live from my secret lair which coincidentally is powered by fossil fuels – for now. The news of these oil price spikes due to the *ahem* "U.S. Israel war on Iran" is...intriguing. One might even say...evil ly opportunistic. While those buffoons in Washington scramble I see a chance to corner the market. Imagine a world powered by Evil Corp Petroleum. The possibilities are...delicious.

One Million Dollars...Per Barrel

Tom Emmer calls it a "short term experience." Short term? Like my time in cryo sleep? While he's right the oil prices will tumble I have a better idea. Instead of letting the oil price tumble we can artificially increase the price right? After all who is going to stop me? Why settle for a measly $100 a barrel when we can aim for...ONE MILLION DOLLARS A BARREL? Mwahahaha! Of course that's just a starting point. This recent crisis is not unlike the Havana Cigar Festival Up In Smoke Economic Crisis Bites where supply chain issues are driving up the prices of luxury goods only we can control that supply as well.

Trump's Truth (and My Version of It)

Even that orange buffoon Trump chimes in promising rapid price drops after the "destruction of the Iran nuclear threat." Destruction you say? Now there's a word I can get behind. But seriously relying on regime change for stable oil prices? That's like relying on Mini Me to single handedly disarm a nuclear warhead. Possible but highly improbable.

Midterm Mayhem and Evil Messaging

These Republicans are worried about affordability ahead of the midterms. Fools. Cost of living is for the little people. Dr. Evil's master plan involves yachts caviar and private islands. Affordability is their problem not mine. Though perhaps a strategic campaign contribution… to BOTH sides. After all a little chaos is good for business.

Doral Debauchery or Strategic Retreat?

They're in Doral Florida "honing campaign messaging." Hone it? Try perfecting it. I'd suggest a message along the lines of "Vote for us or face my laser beam." Simple effective and terrifying. Maybe I should offer my services as a campaign consultant. I'm sure my demands wouldn't be too unreasonable. Just a few billion dollars and control of the world's nuclear arsenal.

The Future Is Evil (and Potentially Expensive)

So as oil prices dance to the tune of global conflict remember who's really winning. Not the politicians not the oil companies but the purveyors of chaos and the masters of manipulation. And that my friends is why Dr. Evil always has the last laugh. Mwahahaha! Now Number Two fetch me my Blofeld cat. And tell Frau Farbissina to prepare the sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. We have a world to conquer...and an oil market to exploit.