SoftBank's OpenAI Gamble Pays Off Giggity

Giggity Giggity Goo A Billion Dollar Profit

Alright fellas Quagmire here reporting live from the land of rising profits and questionable decisions. SoftBank you know the guys who probably fund your neighbor's questionable crypto scheme just pulled a rabbit out of their hat. Seems their Vision Fund which I'm guessing is less about eyesight and more about seeing dollar signs raked in a cool $2.4 billion. Giggity.

OpenAI to the Rescue

So what's the secret sauce? Turns out it's that OpenAI thing everyone's talking about. You know the folks behind ChatGPT which is basically a fancy way of saying a robot can now write your online dating profile for you. SoftBank saw their investment jump by $4.2 billion in a single quarter. That's like finding a winning lottery ticket in your pants pocket except your pants are filled with AI. Speaking of winning you should read Japan's Political Sea Change Takaichi's Triumph and the LDP's Supermajority. In comparison some of their other investments like Coupang Didi and the TikTok guys didn't do so hot. Guess you can't win 'em all eh

ASI: Not a New STD But Close

Now SoftBank's founder Masayoshi Son is talking about "artificial superintelligence" or ASI. No it's not some new disease you can catch at The Drunken Clam but apparently it's technology that's 10,000 times smarter than us. Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me. I mean what's a guy to do when the robots start stealing all the ladies?

Betting the Farm on Robots

Apparently 60% of SoftBank's assets are now dedicated to this ASI stuff. That's a lot of chips in the AI basket. They're basically going all in on a future where robots are either our saviors or our overlords. Either way I'm stocking up on WD 40 and hoping they appreciate a well oiled machine.

Selling the Furniture to Buy More Robots

To keep the AI dream alive SoftBank is selling off other stuff. They dumped their stake in Nvidia for a cool $5.83 billion and unloaded $12.73 billion worth of T Mobile stock. It's like selling your vintage car collection to buy a fleet of self driving scooters. Risky but potentially lucrative. Giggity.

The Chip Off the Old Block(chain)

SoftBank is also betting big on the chip market. They've got Arm and a couple of other companies they're calling the "AI Computing Segment". It is not all sunshine and roses though as this segment lost some money this past quarter. I guess even robots need to iron out a few bugs.