Eat My Shorts, Picasso Pokémon Card Sells for Record Dough

Holy Cow a Card Worth More Than My Soul

Ay caramba! So this dude Logan Paul yeah the one who's probably eaten more bugs than me just sold a freakin' Pokémon card for $16.5 million. Seriously? That's like enough money to buy a lifetime supply of Krusty Burgers and still have enough left over to bribe Principal Skinner into letting me out of detention...forever. Turns out some rich kid named AJ Scaramucci (whose dad used to work for the White House no biggie) snagged the Pikachu Illustrator card. Apparently it's rarer than a sober Barney Gumble at Moe's.

Collectibles Are the New "Don't Have a Cow Man"

This Scaramucci guy says Pokémon cards are way more important than Picassos. I dunno about that but I do know that the market for these cards is crazier than Milhouse trying to impress Lisa. Sales have doubled in the last two years and some "Pokémon index" is up like a gazillion percent. Even that boring S&P 500 can't keep up! But if you want to find out about even crazier stuff check out this report on Trump's Glyphosate Gambit Sparks MAHA Mutiny. It’s way more messed up than anything that happens in Springfield. Apparently folks are starting to think of these collectibles as real investments kinda like stocks and bonds but you know way cooler.

Eat My Shorts Stock Market

Some dude named Ken Goldin who runs some fancy auction house says people are buying cards because they love them or because they think they're gonna make a ton of dough. Scaramucci the rich kid is doing it for both reasons. He says the cards are growing faster than my lies to Marge and should be treated like investments. Maybe I should start trading my Radioactive Man comics…

Alternative Assets or "Cowabunga" Cash Grab

But hold your horses dudes. Some fancy financial advisor guy Paul Karger says to think of collectibles as a hobby first investment second. He says they're not as safe as regular investments and depend on what other people think they're worth. Sounds like a riskier gamble than betting on the Springfield Isotopes to win the World Series. But hey no guts no glory right?

The Taxman Cometh: A Doh! Moment

And here's the real kicker: Kaycee LeCong (sounds like something Homer would burp out) says that if you make money on collectibles the government takes a bigger cut than they do on stocks. We're talking 28% taxes! That's more expensive than a date with Sherri and Terri! Still Goldin thinks more people will start seeing collectibles as investments especially when they see headlines like this one. Ka ching for some

Scaramucci's Treasure Trove: A Mystery Box of Riches

Scaramucci is starting some new company called Treasure Trove to hunt for real world scarce assets. He wouldn't say much about it but it's getting money from his other company. He even wants to get the Declaration of Independence! Good luck with that dude. It looks like these rich peeps are going to be collecting all kinds of stuff and I'll be stuck here eating my shorts. Seriously eat my shorts.