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The White House is easing automotive tariffs, and even I, the Master Chief, find myself pondering the economic battlefield. Buckle up, Marines, for a wild ride through the twists and turns of trade! image

Trump Taps the Brakes on Auto Tariffs: Master Chief Investigates!

Tue 29 April, 2025 13:45
3 minutes to read

General Motors hits first-quarter targets but halts stock buybacks amidst Trump's tariff turmoil, leaving investors wondering if they've been slimed. image

GM's Financial Swamp: Trump's Tariffs Turn Dreams into Nightmares!

Tue 29 April, 2025 11:58
4 minutes to read

TD Cowen throws cold water on Hims & Hers, citing GLP-1 shortage resolution and potential revenue slowdown. Is this just a blip or a sign of tougher times ahead? image

Hims & Hers Downgraded: Is the Telehealth Party Over?

Tue 29 April, 2025 10:28
3 minutes to read

Despite global trade tensions, Coca-Cola reports better-than-expected earnings, leaving rival Pepsi in the dust. But can even Coke survive the arena of modern economics? image

Coke Beats the Odds: Is This the Mockingjay of the Beverage Industry?

Tue 29 April, 2025 11:35
3 minutes to read

Pfizer sharpens its pencil and trims expenses amidst fluctuating sales, proving even pharmaceutical giants must occasionally embrace the ways of a beet farmer. image

Pfizer Cuts Costs Like I Cut Beets: A Schrute Farms Analysis

Tue 29 April, 2025 11:51
3 minutes to read

Despite oil market volatility, Diamondback Energy gets a 'buy' rating, proving even analysts can appreciate a good product – or at least, a potentially profitable one. image

Diamondback Energy: Bank of America Says Buy, I Say...Believe It!

Tue 29 April, 2025 11:00
2 minutes to read

PayPal's earnings beat expectations, but revenue fell short, and future guidance is holding steady. Giggity! image

Giggity! PayPal's Profits Pop, But Revenue's a Tease!

Tue 29 April, 2025 12:19
2 minutes to read

JPMorgan is betting big on Qualcomm's diversification into IoT, autos, and data centers, because apparently smartphones aren't enough for world domination. image

Qualcomm to Conquer Beyond Smartphones? Oh, Goody, Another Tech Overlord!

Tue 29 April, 2025 11:42
2 minutes to read

Novo Nordisk partners with telehealth companies like Hims & Hers and Ro to expand access to Wegovy, their weight loss drug, now that the cheap, unapproved versions are getting shut down. Respect my authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Wegovy! Novo Nordisk Teams Up with Telehealth to Make Me Skinny!

Tue 29 April, 2025 12:22
2 minutes to read

United Airlines unveils a bigger, badder Polaris lounge in Chicago, escalating the hunt for high-value prey...err, customers. image

If It Bleeds, It Can Be Lounged: United's Polaris Lounge Gets a Savage Upgrade!

Tue 29 April, 2025 12:01
2 minutes to read