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Eli Lilly reports blockbuster sales of weight loss drugs Mounjaro and Zepbound, but a recent cancer treatment acquisition leads to a lowered profit forecast for the year. Trump's tariffs also play a role, or do they? image

By Hera! Eli Lilly's Weight Loss Wonders Soar, But a Deal with Scorpion Stings!

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:04
4 minutes to read

Eli Lilly's diabetes and weight loss drugs are flying off the shelves, but a cancer treatment deal has Dr. Evil eyeing their full-year profit forecast with suspicion. image

Lilly's Weight Loss Empire: A Bloated Profit or Just Plain Evil?

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:04
2 minutes to read

General Motors adjusts its 2025 earnings forecast due to potential tariff impacts, but remains optimistic about long-term growth and resilience. image

Trump's Tariffs Transform GM's Treasure: More Than Meets the Eye?

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:11
3 minutes to read

Ace Ventura reports on the U.S. and Ukraine's new minerals deal, involving rare earths, critical minerals, and a whole lotta 'show me the money!' image

ALLLLRIGHTY THEN! U.S. GRABS UKRAINE'S ROCKS! (AND I DON'T MEAN DWAYNE 'THE ROCK' JOHNSON)

Thu 01 May, 2025 06:22
2 minutes to read

Mr. Bean reports on the surprising minerals deal between the U.S. and Ukraine, wondering if it's all just a big game of hide-and-seek with shiny rocks. image

Holy Moly! America and Ukraine Digging for Treasure? Bean's Eye View!

Thu 01 May, 2025 06:22
2 minutes to read

European automakers reel from Trump's tariffs, slashing profit forecasts and bracing for uncertainty, a case of economic deduction worthy of Holmes himself. image

Elementary, My Dear Automakers: Trump's Tariffs Drive European Giants to the Brink!

Thu 01 May, 2025 05:13
3 minutes to read

Cartman analyzes how those stupid tariffs are (or aren't) messing with Microsoft's massive piles of cash, and why you should all respect his authoritah! image

Screw You Guys, I'm Talking About Tariffs (And Microsoft's Money, Duh!)

Thu 01 May, 2025 03:35
3 minutes to read

The fast-food giant McDonald's faces challenges, including declining US sales and economic pressures, as it prepares to announce its first-quarter earnings. image

McDonald's Bleeds Green: Is the Golden Arch About to Fall?

Thu 01 May, 2025 04:01
2 minutes to read

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman's Worldcoin project, which scans irises for identity verification and cryptocurrency, is launching in the US. But is it innovative or invasive? Let's dive into the drama, baldness, and potential for a real-life Black Mirror episode. image

Sam Altman Wants to Scan Your Eyeballs for Crypto: Is This the Future or a Dystopian Nightmare?

Thu 01 May, 2025 02:10
3 minutes to read

Apple faces a court's wrath for allegedly lying and violating an injunction in the Epic Games case. Even I, Messi, think that's a foul! image

Apple's App Store Drama: They Tried to Messi With the Judge!

Wed 30 April, 2025 23:47
3 minutes to read