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General Motors projects lower 2025 earnings due to my amazing auto tariffs, but they're just being pessimistic folks, believe me! image

GM's Fake News Earnings Guidance: Sad!

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:11
3 minutes to read

Eli Lilly's weight loss and diabetes drugs are selling like hotcakes, but a cancer treatment deal has led to lowered profit expectations. Could tariffs be the cure, or will they just add to the plasma? image

Lilly Lowers the Boom: Weight Loss Drugs Soar, Profit Forecasts Take a Dive

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:04
3 minutes to read

Eli Lilly's Q1 earnings beat expectations thanks to blockbuster drugs, but a cancer treatment deal and Trump's tariffs threaten future profits. Time to buckle up, Spartans. image

Lilly's Profit Forecast Takes a Dive, But Weight-Loss Drugs Save the Day (Again!)

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:04
2 minutes to read

McDonald's U.S. sales take a nosedive, proving even Happy Meals can't buy happiness (or profits) in this economy. Is this chaos the work of a Clown Prince of Crime? image

Why So Serious, McDonald's? Grimace's Grim Quarter!

Thu 01 May, 2025 12:00
2 minutes to read

Teladoc's stock takes a nosedive, so they're scooping up UpLift for $30 million to try and make their BetterHelp segment not so 'meh'. image

Eat My Shorts, Market Value! Teladoc Buys UpLift to Fix BetterHelp!

Wed 30 April, 2025 20:15
2 minutes to read

President Trump claims China's ripping us off and his tariffs might mean fewer toys for kids. Cowabunga! image

Eat My Shorts, China! Trump's Trade War Promises Fewer Dolls and More Mayhem!

Wed 30 April, 2025 21:46
3 minutes to read

Austin Powers reports on the far out trade tensions between the US and China, where tariffs are high and the shelves might just end up empty, yeah baby! image

Groovy Trade Wars: Trump Declares China 'Chief-Ripper-Offer', Baby!

Wed 30 April, 2025 21:46
2 minutes to read

Your boy Will Smith breaks down McDonald's Q1 earnings report, from E. coli scares to Trump tariffs, with a side of snack wraps and Banks family humor. image

Hold Up, Wait a Minute! McD's Earnings About to Drop Some Knowledge!

Thu 01 May, 2025 04:01
3 minutes to read

A denial from Tesla about the rumors of Elon Musk's replacement has this swashbuckling feline sharpening his claws and sharing his two cents (or should I say, two *pesos*) on the electric car chaos. image

Holy Guacamole! Is Elon Musk Out at Tesla? This Kitty Has Opinions!

Thu 01 May, 2025 08:54
2 minutes to read

Reports indicate Tesla's board is searching for Elon Musk's successor amidst declining sales and a damaged reputation. Are we seeing a system reboot? image

Tesla's Board Seeks New Messiah: Is Elon Glitching Out of the Matrix?

Thu 01 May, 2025 06:55
2 minutes to read