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Dwight K. Schrute delivers the hard-hitting financial facts, from Walmart's quasi-victory to the scandalous Medicare malpractice...allegations... against UnitedHealth. Plus, a deep dive into the curious case of Boot Barn's illogical rise. image
Headlines

Bears, Beets, and Bottom Lines: Schrute's Sensational Stock Synopsis!

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 12:24
  • 2 minutes to read
Walter White dissects the latest Wall Street calls, offering his unique (and possibly dangerous) perspective on stocks, streaming, and the sweet science of making money. image
Headlines

Stay Out of My Territory: Heisenberg's Hot Takes on Wall Street's Wild Ride

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 12:14
  • 2 minutes to read
Walmart weathers tariff storms with e-commerce gains, cautious optimism, and a whole lotta 'giggity'. image
Headlines

Giggity! Walmart's Got a Little Pinch, But Still Knows How to 'Have Fun'!

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 12:22
  • 2 minutes to read
Crypto giant Coinbase reveals insider threat: rogue agents bribed for customer data, potentially costing millions. Oh, the humanity! image
Headlines

Coinbase Gets Mugged! Overseas Agents Sell Secrets for a Few Quarters!

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 12:18
  • 2 minutes to read
Eric Cartman weighs in on Dick's Sporting Goods' audacious plan to gobble up Foot Locker for $2.4 billion, promising world domination and more Nikes for him! image
Headlines

Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Foot Locker! Cartman's Take on Dick's Sporting Goods Mega-Deal

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 12:23
  • 3 minutes to read
Alexis Ohanian, Serena Williams' partner, invests in Chelsea FC Women, aiming to build a global brand and secure his daughters' future, echoing the eternal cycle of machines and…soccer. image
Headlines

Reddit Founder Scores! Ohanian Buys Into Chelsea Women, For the Glory of Mankind…and Daughters!

  • Wed 14 May, 2025 21:26
  • 3 minutes to read
Your girl Poki breaks down Germany's surprising support for Trump's call to hike NATO defense spending to a whopping 5% of GDP. Is this real life, or are we just in a simulation? image
Headlines

OMG! Germany Goes Full 'Simp' for Trump's 5% NATO Spending Demand?!

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 10:07
  • 2 minutes to read
A satirical look at the US President's Saudi Arabia trip, featuring top business leaders, inauguration fund donations, and the pursuit of lucrative deals amidst global trade tensions. image
Headlines

Kohli's Take: Trump, Saudi Deals, and the Business Titans' Grand Bazaar

  • Wed 14 May, 2025 22:24
  • 3 minutes to read
Lionel Messi analyzes Walmart's Q1 earnings preview, highlighting its resilience amidst economic uncertainty and tariff fluctuations, with a touch of humor and football analogies. image
Headlines

GOOOAAALLL! Walmart Scores Big, Even With Tricky Tariffs - A Messi Take

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 04:01
  • 3 minutes to read
Citi Bank thinks Microsoft is gonna be swimming in treasure soon! They're predicting a big jump in their stock price, like when I stretch my arm all the way to the next island for meat! image
Headlines

Shishishi! Microsoft Stock's Treasure? Citi Says Aye! Gomu Gomu No Rocket to $540!

  • Thu 15 May, 2025 10:19
  • 2 minutes to read

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