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Your favorite footballer breaks down today's biggest stock market movers, from Costco's winning streak to Gap's fashion faux pas and Palantir's data deals. Prepare for some laughs along the way! image

Messi's Market Musings: Costco Scores, Gap Stumbles, and Palantir Gets Political!

Fri 30 May, 2025 16:49
2 minutes to read

Even though I'm aiming to be King of the Pirates, this Daniel Loeb guy says AI is the new treasure! Gotta figure out how to use it so I don't become 'AI Roadkill'! image

Shishishi! Even I, Luffy, Am Riding the AI Wave! Or Get Washed Away!

Fri 30 May, 2025 16:55
2 minutes to read

Despite Jamie Dimon's constant warnings of economic doom, JPMorgan Chase continues to thrive, leaving us to wonder if his pessimism is a self-fulfilling prophecy or just good business. image

Good News Everyone! Dimon's Doomsday Clock is Great For JPMorgan

Fri 30 May, 2025 18:59
3 minutes to read

An insightful look into how Sarah Kapnick, JPMorgan's global head of climate advisory, is using climate science to guide investment decisions and navigate the evolving landscape of climate risk. image

E=MC Squared and Climate Change: A Banker's New Equation?

Sat 31 May, 2025 19:21
4 minutes to read

Xiaomi's profits are soaring like a rocket, leaving Apple in the dust as they conquer the smartphone market and rev up their electric vehicle game. Oh, and analysts are going wild! image

Xiaomi's Got Boom Boom Pow! Apple's Car Dreams Go Kaboom!

Sun 01 June, 2025 11:26
2 minutes to read

Goku reports on how investors are going Super Saiyan for short-term bonds amidst market volatility, dodging long-term risks like Vegeta dodging training. image

Kamehame-HA! Investors Power Up Short-Term Bonds!

Sun 01 June, 2025 19:45
3 minutes to read

Peter Griffin breaks down the premarket trading news, from steel tariffs making Cleveland-Cliffs go 'whee!' to taxes on sports betting that are making Flutter and DraftKings cry into their beer. image

Giggity! Tariffs, Vaccines, and Gambling Taxes, Oh My! A Peter Griffin Financial Round-Up

Mon 02 June, 2025 13:07
2 minutes to read

Donald Duck reports on the wild ups and downs of the stock market, from Tesla's European woes to steel tariff triumphs, with a healthy dose of satire and fowl frustration. image

Aw, Phooey! Tesla Tanks, Steel Soars, and I'm Still Broke!

Mon 02 June, 2025 16:46
2 minutes to read

Forrest Gump reports on how House Republicans' tax cuts might send the national debt soaring faster than Bubba could peel shrimp, potentially making everything from houses to cars cost more. image

Run, Congress, Run! House Tax Cuts Could Turn U.S. Debt Into a Real Forrest Gump Marathon!

Mon 02 June, 2025 18:33
3 minutes to read

Even 'The Big Short' guy is sweating tariffs, but thinks everything else is... fine? Let's unpack this with a healthy dose of Zuckerbergian skepticism. image

Eisman's Tariff Warning: Is Wall Street Too Complacent? (Spoiler: Probably)

Mon 02 June, 2025 23:45
2 minutes to read